My favorite was my father-in-law, bless his meddling heart... every time we visited (which in the beginning was quite frequently) he would ask me "Are you trying to get pregnant yet? Are you trying yet?" I honestly don't know how I responded at first, all I can remember is blushing. I don't embarrass easily, anyone who knows me can attest to that. Seriously, I think your father-in-law poking his nose into your sex life is a little much, even for me!
Finally, after his asking sent me over the edge, this was my response:
"Every day, twice a day!" Guess who blushed that time, and has NEVER asked again?!
Just in case you didn't know, asking a couple (even if they're not struggling with infertility) when they're planning to have children (planning to have children... pshh, don't make me laugh!!) or why they don't have any children yet or any other derivative of "Are you trying to get pregnant," IS PRYING INTO THEIR SEX LIFE!! Get. A. Clue!
I don't walk up to couples with several children and say, "Man, you guys must f*** like rabbits!" First of all, it's none of my business. Secondly it's just inappropriate!
Why is it that everyone reading this post knows how inappropriate that last sentence was, but 98% of those people who are offended will be shocked that I think asking a couple when they're planning to get pregnant is equally inappropriate? Perhaps if I added a four-letter word to any of my examples of are-you-trying questions, everyone would recognize how tactless they really are.
My mom always tells me I'm a mixture of spirituality and spunky irreverence, and somehow it works. So, here's my attempt at restoring balance by ending this mostly irreverent post on a spiritual note...
I found the following quote, regarding birth control, from the LDS Church Handbook very fitting in this instance. You can find it here.
"It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter.
Married couples should also understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife.
Recognize that sex, for couples struggling with infertility, becomes much more chore/job-like, a "have to" rather than a "want to." Romance and sexual pleasure take a back seat to things like basal body temperatures, ovulation charts and properly timed/scheduled intercourse to name only a few.
Check out http://www.ldsinfertility.org/ for facts and suggestions of ways you can support your friends and members of your family who may be struggling to cope with infertility and/or sterility.
Pray. Pray for your friend or family member. And, pray for yourself so that you can be guided to be, to say, and to do those things that most effectively build your relationship with those you love who are dealing with such a hard trial. I know you will be inspired. I have seen it work many times.
Be careful about the comments you make.
1. Acknowledging that you don't know what to say or how to say it can be most effective. Followed by an "I really want you to know that I care about you. I sometimes just don't know what to say. What can I do that will be helpful to you?"
2. Focus on the person you are talking to. We often bring up stories about someone else or about an experience we had, simply because it is what we are familiar with and because it fills the conversation.
3. Be simple. Use only a few words. Write them down and review them before the conversation. If you open the door, your friend will talk if they feel comfortable.
4. Making light of or joking about infertility can be offensive. Some couples joke about their situations, but let them be the ones to initiate that type of conversation.
Life is not all about conceiving, giving birth, and raising children. Have conversations around infertile couples that are related to things other than families. It is hard to be in an environment where everyone is talking about breast-feeding and you have no way of relating. We would probably all benefit from conversing about more varied topics.
