Combatting ignorance and insensitivity with humor...

When Heavenly and I got married we were plagued with questions about when we would start a family. I mean from the very beginning!

My favorite was my father-in-law, bless his meddling heart... every time we visited (which in the beginning was quite frequently) he would ask me "Are you trying to get pregnant yet? Are you trying yet?" I honestly don't know how I responded at first, all I can remember is blushing. I don't embarrass easily, anyone who knows me can attest to that. Seriously, I think your father-in-law poking his nose into your sex life is a little much, even for me!

Finally, after his asking sent me over the edge, this was my response:

"Every day, twice a day!" Guess who blushed that time, and has NEVER asked again?!

Just in case you didn't know, asking a couple (even if they're not struggling with infertility) when they're planning to have children (planning to have children... pshh, don't make me laugh!!) or why they don't have any children yet or any other derivative of "Are you trying to get pregnant," IS PRYING INTO THEIR SEX LIFE!! Get. A. Clue!

I don't walk up to couples with several children and say, "Man, you guys must f*** like rabbits!" First of all, it's none of my business. Secondly it's just inappropriate!

Why is it that everyone reading this post knows how inappropriate that last sentence was, but 98% of those people who are offended will be shocked that I think asking a couple when they're planning to get pregnant is equally inappropriate? Perhaps if I added a four-letter word to any of my examples of are-you-trying questions, everyone would recognize how tactless they really are.

My mom always tells me I'm a mixture of spirituality and spunky irreverence, and somehow it works. So, here's my attempt at restoring balance by ending this mostly irreverent post on a spiritual note...

I found the following quote, regarding birth control, from the LDS Church Handbook very fitting in this instance. You can find it here.

"It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter.

Married couples should also understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife.

Recognize that sex, for couples struggling with infertility, becomes much more chore/job-like, a "have to" rather than a "want to." Romance and sexual pleasure take a back seat to things like basal body temperatures, ovulation charts and properly timed/scheduled intercourse to name only a few.

Check out http://www.ldsinfertility.org/ for facts and suggestions of ways you can support your friends and members of your family who may be struggling to cope with infertility and/or sterility.

Pray. Pray for your friend or family member. And, pray for yourself so that you can be guided to be, to say, and to do those things that most effectively build your relationship with those you love who are dealing with such a hard trial. I know you will be inspired. I have seen it work many times.

Be careful about the comments you make.
1. Acknowledging that you don't know what to say or how to say it can be most effective. Followed by an "I really want you to know that I care about you. I sometimes just don't know what to say. What can I do that will be helpful to you?"

2. Focus on the person you are talking to. We often bring up stories about someone else or about an experience we had, simply because it is what we are familiar with and because it fills the conversation.

3. Be simple. Use only a few words. Write them down and review them before the conversation. If you open the door, your friend will talk if they feel comfortable.

4. Making light of or joking about infertility can be offensive. Some couples joke about their situations, but let them be the ones to initiate that type of conversation.

Life is not all about conceiving, giving birth, and raising children. Have conversations around infertile couples that are related to things other than families. It is hard to be in an environment where everyone is talking about breast-feeding and you have no way of relating. We would probably all benefit from conversing about more varied topics.

Be ye therefore helpful

In my own experience with infertility and loss, I have been buoyed up by the compassion of those around me who knew little more than the fact that I seemed "down." However, I have heard hurtful, insensitive words come from those who were privy to more intimate details.

I read a great post here about helping vs. hurtful hands. I have a very specific idea of who should read this, unfortunately I have no control over who actually will. And even if they do, they'll likely not understand it's meant for them. And if they do know I'm referring to them, they still won't acknowledge they have reason to read it. Nevertheless, I hope, whoever you are, this will help you to understand the necessity for genuine, caring concern and sensitivity when dealing with the feelings and healing of others.

If you know someone who has experienced miscarriage or loss of any kind, you must be sensitive to their needs. Don't know how? Here are a few things I've found helpful:

Independence --Let your loved one dictate the terms of their own grief process, including the type of support they receive and the amount of details they share and its duration. Remember loss is experienced differently by all. No one person can or should decide for others how long it will take or how it should be expressed. Because your grief is best eased by surrounding yourself with family who know exactly what you've experienced, does not make it so for everyone. All loss is personal, miscarriage and pregnancy loss is especially personal and so too are the emotions which accompany such a loss.

Prayer --One of the best and most supportive ways to love your friend or family member through this trying time, is through prayer. Your loved one may be reluctant to confide the intimate and painful details, but our Heavenly Father knows each one of their needs, often better than even they can know. Who better to petition for assistance than one who has descended below all things, who suffered and understands their physical and emotional stings so perfectly? Oft times as I pray a friend or loved one enters my thoughts and I will ask that our Heavenly Father will bless them and help them with whatever needs they might have. I am confident that His omniscience is sufficient to know them just as certainly as I know He knows me.

Time --Many times all that is needed, that you can give, is time. In my own experience I've found this to be the most difficult for some. Grief is messy and uncomfortable, someone else's pain can at times seem burdensome and unbearable. No matter how long it lasts, you should try to be understanding. I was lucky enough to have a neighbor tell me when I was pregnant that having a baby minimizes but does not take the pain completely away. Some have said to me "You have a baby now, isn't it time to get over that already?" I'm not! I spent the anniversary of my most recent miscarriage laying in bed snuggling my sweet 1 month old baby and sobbing. Those emotions may have been compounded by the fact that I couldn't ignore it and let it quietly pass me by as I'd intended. Instead we received a message early that morning that our friend would be going to the hospital to have her baby. I'm grateful for my sweet husband who held me and cared for that sweet baby in moments when I was too paralyzed by my own grief. I'm getting there, and I'll make it... but on my own terms.

Be patient and love us through it.

More questions than answers

I imagine that going to the doctor produces results for other people and that I'm the only one who comes away from that experience with more questions than answers. Of course I know this to be entirely false and know that many of you understand exactly how I feel. But in a perfect world, my perfect world, I would be the only to feel this sorrow because I can't stand to watch those I know and love suffer. I am grateful every day that we don't live in my perfect world! Knowing I am not alone buoys me up and gives me strength that has often surpassed my own expectations.

Wednesday I went to the doctor for the first time since my miscarriage in June. Perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind the miscarriage was my fault and three months of extended pain is my way of giving myself what I deserve. Or perhaps I've been safely ignoring it so well that I didn't want to face the truth. That my body still aches for the little one I've lost. That my heart is broken. Still. It became abundantly clear as I recounted for her the events of that dreadful summer day, that healing in its fullest form still evades me.

My doctor has come up with and written out an explanation of our plan. A plan for what? I'm not sure. What happens when we finish all of these tests? I'm still no closer to the answer than I was before.

Friday I had an ultrasound, Catherine thought the pains I've been having were most likely caused by a cyst developed from the miscarriage. Not exactly a fun prospect, but at this point any concrete reason why I'm still hurting is welcome. Of course, it's never that easy for me. Typically "nothing significant" would be a great answer, it still leaves me in pain and without a clear cause or solution. So, there will be more medication and more testing. And then after that more medication again.

Next week Heavenly goes to the doctor and I go to see an endocrinologist, who will hopefully, determine how well my thyroid is functioning and adjust my medication. Just one more doctor, and higher dosages of medication that sends tremors through my hands. Where did these people go to school who think an increase in dosage will result in a decrease of symptoms? It's only ever been my experience that unpleasant side effects only increase along with the dose.

Did I mention I've been in more pain since the exam Wednesday and the ultrasound yesterday than I have been in quite a while? That wasn't part of the plan.

It's all part of the plan. According to my doctor's plan, we should know within three weeks... I'm not sure what we'll know. My plan? Hope that by the end of this I'll understand whether the best thing for us is to proceed with Clomid (see I told you, more medication) and try again to get pregnant, or to wait some undetermined time to "try again." And... try to keep the crying to a minimum.

Why are dumb people fertile?

Warning: The following post is really funny, but some people may find it gross. Read at your own risk. (it's not that bad, I'm just giving a heads up)

This morning I was flipping through tips on fertilityfriend.com and ran across one that made me laugh. It was one of those questions that made me cock my head to one side and say "huh?"

"How can I tell the difference between fertile cervical fluid and sperm?"

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that if you don't know how to tell the difference, ie; sperm comes from a boy, you probably shouldn't be having sex and you DEFINITELY shouldn't be procreating!

Honestly, don't you think a better time to be checking the consistency of your cervical fluid would be BEFORE sex?

I'm just saying.

Of course, this person will probably have no problem getting pregnant and have plenty of children who grow up equally ignorant. You know, since this whole fertility thing is so fair and all.

Waiting on the Lord

First of all, I have to tell you that some of these words came from someone else, I can't honestly take credit for them.

I found a great book a few weeks ago, one of those books you finish reading and want to immediately start over again. I found it at Macey's, it's published by Deseret Book, so I'm sure you can find it there. And you should too.

I Hate It When Exercise Is the Answer: A Fitness Program for the Soul
By: Emily Watts

I've heard her speak and have bought several of her books for my mom and sister, this is the first I've bought for myself. It won't be the last.

In a chapter 25 called "Wisdom from Gracie: An Exercise in Waiting on the Lord" the author tells of finding a postcard with this saying attributed to Gracie Allen: "Never put a period where God has placed a comma."

"Never put a period where God has placed a comma." It had immediate appeal for me as a person for whom punctuation has been a profession, but its meaning has since gone far beyond the 'editing connection.'

I like closure. I like to put the period on the sentence of a situation and move on. But life doesn't work that way very often. The Lord frequently invites us to trust Him, to hold on, to endure, to wait and see what He has in mind. As Psalm 27:14 tells us, 'Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.'

One of my problems is that, when my patience is tried, sometimes I attempt to jump too quickly to the hindsight. I trust that things will work out all right, and I can wait a little while for events to unfold, but often I try to put the period in places that were obviously meant for a comma. I think I see God's purposes when really we're not there yet."

Patience and waiting on the Lord are difficult for my finite mind to grasp, even more difficult to execute. And the concept of periods vs. commas becomes increasingly ironic to me when literal periods continue to dash my hopes of ever making it beyond the never ending comma of infertility.

(I swear this post started out as a positive idea... where did I get off track?)

Sigh... how to get back on track?

I've been trying to decide what my life would be like if I could remind myself that "...this too shall pass." So I am trying to be patient, because I'm certain that's one of the attributes my Father in Heaven is trying desperately to teach me. The idea is much simpler than the execution.

My heart hurts.

Tonight as Heavenly and I walked through Target I heard a baby crying and crying and crying. The sound made my heart hurt. Bad.

He knows

When referring to the Savior's atoning sacrifice, we often remember it as a sacrifice for sins. We forget, I forget, that His perfect sacrifice did more than pay the price for sin. He also experienced pain in all its forms so that we might turn to him for all our problems.

The perfect thing about a perfect atonement, no one, no matter what the sin, no matter what the trial, is exempt from it! So, if you're feeling like no one understands how you feel,(and trust me, I've been there... I'm there now!) He knows.

For our benefit, the poet wrote:

In golden youth when seems the earth
A summer-land of singing mirth,
When souls are glad and hearts are light,
And not a shadow lurks in sight,
We do not know it, but there lies
Somewhere veiled ’neath evening skies
A garden which we all must see—
The garden of Gethsemane. …
Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams
Bridged over by our broken dreams;
Behind the misty caps of years,
Beyond the great salt fount of tears,
The garden lies. Strive, as you may,
You cannot miss it in your way;
All paths that have been, or shall be
Pass somewhere through Gethsemane.

Sensitivity comes through awareness

Ana Nelson Shaw, “Being Sensitive to Couples without Children,” Ensign, Aug 2000, 61

• Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes.
• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don’t have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities.
• Try not to second-guess a couple’s medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord.
• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard—particularly in Latter-day Saint culture—when one cannot become a parent.
• Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying “You’ll get pregnant if you just relax” implies that you think infertility is the couple’s own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. “You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as “It will happen in the Lord’s time” can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime.
• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as “I love you” or “I have been praying for you.” Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility.

Contentment? Not today.

"Contentment: Inspirational insight for the LDS mother"


This is the title of a book I passed while walking through Walmart. I didn't see any books offering insight for those LDS women struggling with infertility. There is no "Chicken Soup for the childless LDS woman's soul." So I wonder, what about the rest of us?

Family and friends offer words of comfort, words like"It will happen." "...in the Lord's time." "Everything happens for a reason." "We were married for 3 years before we had... and another 4 after that until..." Words spoken in love, with the best of intentions, splinter the shards of my already broken heart and taste like bile in my mouth.

I know all too well that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. In mid-May "Congratulations, you're pregnant," from my doctor felt more like a cruel joke than welcome news.

It is difficult to find contentment when some mothers are lying in a hospital room counting perfect fingers and tiny toes, and I clutch only my cramping belly and aching heart. In the end my hospital room looks more like a horror movie, soaked crimson with my lost blood and with it lost hope. The agonizing pain of my fruitless labor made sharper as I leave the hospital with empty arms and empty womb.

Contentment you say? Perhaps some day it will find me, but not today.

A few questions I have.

How can two people who built a lovin' home,
Try for years and never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holdin' tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticize what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

--A Few Questions by Clay Walker

Sometimes God gives us people to show how much He loves us.

Throughout all of my moves I have kept a simple card given to me by my sister. I can't remember now why she gave it to me in the first place. I run across it every once in a while and it reminds me that I do not have to face my struggles alone.

The front is a picture of two little girls decked out in rain hats, ponchos and galoshes underneath a great big umbrella. Inside is the simple phrase "Until the sun comes out again for you, my umbrella's big enough for two."

At the end of my sister's loving, hope-filled words she wrote a list of scripture passages and this quote:

"... the greatest anchor to your soul, in time of trouble, in time of temptation, in times of sickness, in times of indecision, in times of your struggles and work, (is that) you can know with a certainty that defies all doubt that God lives."
--Pres. Harold B. Lee
Read:
Doctrine & Covenants 121-122
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not forsaken, cast down but not destroyed.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
John 14:18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

I am grateful for my knowledge that God lives, that He loves me. And in times of trials when I am faced with challenges sure to break my soul, those struggles which cause me to doubt whether God really does hear me and answer me.... I am eternally grateful to Him because He gave me a family who loves me and a sister who shares her umbrella.

I'm sick, I'm not pregnant!

I guess because I'm trying to get pregnant I can't get sick without at least one person asking if I'm pregnant. No, I'm not pregnant, and thank you very much for reminding me of that!

It's not bad enough that I have a fever, my ears hurt, my throat hurts, my nose is plugged, I'm nauseated, I think I'd feel better if I just went into the bathroom and upchucked the entire contents of my stomach. To add insult to injury you have to remind me of the fact that I'm sick and don't even have the luxury of getting a baby out of it!

Can I please just be me? When you see me, can you ask me how I'm doing without any hidden meaning? Because you think for some reason that I can't be separated from my infertility? When you ask how things are going... is there any way you can just mean between Heavenly and I, or work or school or whatever?

There are people who get it. To them I'm just me. To them I'm fine and I'm normal and I'm perfectly acceptable exactly as I am. If I never have a child they'll love me exactly as they would if I popped out ten. However, to others, I'm not good enough. I am infertile. I am a miscarriage from 6 months ago that they can't let go. I'm a single pink line on a pregnancy test; I am broken.

Thank you to those who get it. To those who got it 6 months ago when they didn't even know it had started, who got it 3 months ago when they found out (however they found out) and thank you to those who get it still. I love you and would never be able to be normal me without you.

You know who you are.

Thanks to Clomid, Miracles Happen!!

Not one but 3 little miracles!!

Meet the newest additions to the Shumway family,

their names are Yakko, Wakko and Dot.

Although to be fair, they all look like Dots.

Preliminary due date should be sometime January 2010.

April Fools!

Who I am.

I am a child of God. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am gentle. I am beautiful. I am intelligent. I am funny. I am a protector. I am loud. I am happy. I am stubborn. I am loyal. I am a woman.

There are several more attributes which could be added to this list. I am many things.

Heavenly and I have been trying to conceive. Because we have been trying consistently for more than a year without becoming pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy, the medical world calls me infertile. Infertility is a condition I struggle with, it is not who I am and I refuse to be defined by it!

What dreams may come

Saturday I took the last of five pills in my first round of Clomid. The adverse side effects I experienced I attributed to the period from Hell, not necessarily from the medication itself. Out of control emotions have become a constant companion in our household. I worried my "it can't get much worse than it already is" attitude could easily have been too optimistic. Instead I felt more normal than I have in months.

When you're faced with infertility, becoming pregnant consumes your thoughts. The idea is entertained in my mind so often that it has become a frequent subject of my dreams. Last night I dreamed I gave birth to twins, two beautiful healthy little boys. I woke up in a sweat realizing that Clomid makes the likelihood of multiple births all too possible and I only have one name picked out for a boy. Ideally if I give birth to twins I would love to get one of each and have our family be complete. But we don't live in an ideal world, if we did I wouldn't need fertility drugs and so many of my dear friends would be lamenting over full diapers, not empty arms.

So even though it's much too early, I'm trying to come up with a name for a second boy. Perhaps it will set my set my mind at ease, if only in my dreams.

The Hit Bird Flutters - Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous...

A beloved seminary teacher once told me, "the hit bird flutters..." What he was trying to illustrate to his class of 30+ high school aged students, was that people are typically only offended if something is true. There's another, more widely known saying "The truth hurts." For years I've remembered that unique saying, whenever offended I would step back and ask myself if I was offended because there was any truth to what was said.

May I first admit to you, you are correct. I am an active member of the LDS church.

I do believe that obedience and faith bring blessings from a loving Heavenly Father. But I also believe in a kind and merciful Father in Heaven who grants blessings to those not of our faith, to both the obedient and the disobedient, because He loves them all. I also believe with all my aching heart in a Father who is merciful to His struggling child. I am grateful for He who looks at me and my meager contribution and tells me, as a parent should, that it is enough, and I am enough.

It's one thing to receive criticism from someone who knows nothing about you except a few lines jotted down on a blog. But to turn to those in your life who are meant to give you comfort, support and unconditional love, and receive no words of comfort, only cold words of condemnation, is quite another. I don't want to hear that I'm not good enough, that I'm not doing enough, that what I have given is less than the perfection they expect.

Struggles with infertility and miscarriage have left me drained, my hope and faith replaced by doubt and bitterness. What faith and hope I do retain feel like empty words, vacant like my womb, they do little to heal my broken heart or fill my empty, aching arms.

I know I should say something about how we would never learn if things always came easily. (Although others must not have as much to learn because the same things which seem impossible to me, come all too easily to them.) And without loss we can never fully appreciate what we have. In my mind I know it's true and will be great to say in retrospect. And even though I know it's true, it comes as cold comfort.

The Lord has commanded us to "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing..." and with that a promise that "...all things shall work together for thy good..."

But has he not also commanded us that we should be willing to bear one another's burdens, to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort?

Fertility and living the gospel to exactness.

"You're in our prayers." This is a phrase I've read and heard several times lately and I'm grateful for those who keep me in their thoughts and prayers.

Perhaps things in my life would be different if I were in my own prayers along with the prayers of others. Maybe if I read my scriptures more often, or at all. I just need to go to the temple regularly and be more faithful. I'm sure that will solve everything. Right?

I don't feel like praying, and haven't for some time. In the beginning I'm sure this was born of laziness, and laziness turned to habit. I still pray at meal time and I frequently pray for safety on my way to or from work. There are times when I feel the need to get on my knees and talk to my Heavenly Father, and other times while I'm alone in the car when I pour out my heart to Him.

Times of personal prayer have become all too infrequent. Prolonged manifestations of depression have desensitized me to the constant companionship or even the desire for the Spirit.

But is it really my lack of faith that's causing my infertility?

In Genesis, Sarah, wife of Abraham suffered decades of infertility. Her faith never decreased and her commitment to the Lord never faltered. Even when she watched another woman carry her husband's child and suffered greatly from the same woman's cruelty. She may have doubted, but always believed the Lord would give her the desires of her heart. Was she too being punished for some moral shortcoming?

H. Burke Peterson at General Conference in 1974, had this to say:

"We should understand that a life filled with problems is no respecter of age or station in life. A life filled with trials is no respecter of position in the Church or social standing in the community. Challenges come to the young and to the aged—to the rich and to the poor—to the struggling student or the genius scientist—to the farmer, carpenter, lawyer, or doctor. Trials come to the strong and to the weak—to the sick and to the healthy. Yes, even to the simplest child as well as to a prophet of God. At times they seem to be more than we can bear."

It's easy for an outside observer to stand on their soapbox and tell me that I'm not pregnant yet because "You're not living the gospel to its exactness." And it would be even easier for me to look them in the eye and say "Oh really? So that's why all those faithful, church-going crack whores have 8 kids on welfare?"

My life has been filled with medical problems and it seems they're not over yet. As a child I was diagnosed with Reflux, a disorder affecting the bladder and kidneys, where the ureters (tubes that transport urine from the kidneys to the bladder) were not functioning properly. These tubes were not closing off entirely and the urine was returning back into the kidneys and causing significant damage. I still have both kidneys, but in actuality, with 25% function of the left and 75% function of the right kidney, it is as if I only have one.

Because of this reflux I've had several doctors tell me I most likely will not be able to have children. That if I do get pregnant I will be extremely high risk because the kidney may not be strong enough to sustain myself and my baby. Most children might not understand what this means for their future or even care, I was devastated!

Reflux produced a hormone which causes high blood pressure, this hypertension went undetected until I had my tonsils out between 5th and 6th grades. Even then the doctor thought it would eventually come down and told my mother it was normal for the blood pressure to be elevated during surgery. It wasn't until my dad, studying to be an EMT, kept getting readings which were off the charts for an 11 year old, finally took me to see his instructors. They got the same readings and it was time for me to go to the doctor.

Doctors have tried for years to diagnose me with poly-cystic ovary syndrome to explain my irregular menses, but after countless ultrasounds were unsuccessful. This year I was finally diagnosed. With symptoms like, weight gain/trouble losing weight, irregular menses, fertility problems, multiple miscarriages and depression I actually felt glad to be diagnosed. At least it was an explanation for some of the problems I've been having.

A blood test also showed that my thyroid is under-active, hypothyroid. This condition carries similar symptoms to P.C.O.S, depression, weight gain/trouble losing weight, irregular menses, feeling tired or weak and memory problems.

The medical odds are stacked against me. I have not one, but several physical problems that make fertility difficult. Still, I'm sure you're right, it's because I don't pray or read my scriptures enough.

God Knows Best

For McKenna

As much as I hate to know you're hurting, it's been wonderful to know that I am not alone. I was given this poem tonight and I hope it helps a little.

"God Knows Best"

Our Father knows what's best for us,

so why should we complain?

We always want the sunshine,

but He knows there must be rain.

We love the sound of laughter

and the merriment of cheer;

but our hearts would lose their tenderness

if we never shed a tear.

Our Father tests us often

with suffering and with sorrow;

He tests us, not to punish us,

but to help us meet tomorrow.

For growing trees are strengthened

when they withstand the storm;

and the sharp cut of the chisel

gives the marble grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly,

and He never wastes our pain;

for every loss He sends to us

is followed by rich gain.

And when we count the blessings

that God has so freely sent;

We will find no cause for murmuring

and no time to lament.

For our Father loves His children,

and to Him all things are plain;

so He never sends us pleasure

when the soul's deep need is pain.

So whenever we are troubled,

and when everything goes wrong,

it is just God working in us

to make our spirits strong.

-Helen Steiner Rice-

I'm always here for you, if you need to talk or cry or laugh or scream or throw rocks. Even if you just need to feel like someone knows a little of what you're going through. Call me.

Baby Update! Drama not Mama!

I had my doctor's appointment a couple of weeks ago. The doctor heard my heart beat and told me I'm healthy. Hearing her tell me the reason I've been bleeding for months made what I already knew all too real. It's difficult to think what once was growing inside of me is no more.

I'm not starting to show, I never have and try my best not to think "I never will." I still have stretch marks, but they were there before and they'll probably be around forever, so I might as well make friends with them. When people ask if I'm pregnant I tell them "No, I'm just fat."

I love that other people's bodies work exactly how God intended, but I think he gave me a reject. Either God has a "No return" policy or my parents must have lost the receipt because they say I can't take this one back and get a refund. I'd even settle for an upgrade on the old one! Come on, can't I catch a break?

So I guess what I'm saying is the update is, there is no update!

I did in fact go to the doctor and found out for certain that I miscarried in November. I have a theory and my doctor tends to agree, that I probably lost the pregnancy around the first week of November after a raging kidney infection and subsequent 104 degree fever that lasted 4 days. Perhaps you find it flippant how I mention this off the cuff, as if this experience weren't traumatic at all. I've done my fair share of being angry and crying and a once ragged hole has now been over-filled with numbness. Thank goodness for mood stabilizing drugs! When I told Heavenly the news, or the confirmed news, he responded optimistically and in his true fashion "Don't take this the wrong way, but at least we know we're doing something right!"

My doctor and I wasted no time deciding what needed to be done. After a quick check to be sure I wasn't by some freaky coincidence still in fact pregnant, we got down to the business of talking options. We had batted around the idea of starting a regimen of Clomid to help in the baby-making process, and I felt like it was finally time to hop on that train. I went home with orders for blood tests, an ultrasound and several new prescriptions. I walked out of the office feeling like my head was spinning from all of the information and instructions I was given.

Who knew how hard it was to get pregnant? I hope those who are blessed with getting pregnant easily will acknowledge how lucky they are and quit tossing around the word "infertility" so lightly.

Still more drama to follow...

Faith in the Lord, means faith in His timing - Neal A. Maxwell

Patience must be a virtue Heavenly Father still wants me to learn, because I feel like he's made me wait for everything. I found out when I had to wait til I was 25 to marry Heavenly, just how lucky I was that I didn't marry any of those dumb boys I thought would make me happy. I realized that my Father in Heaven knew a lot more about true happiness than I ever did. I look at myself before I met Heavenly and wonder "How on earth did I ever think I was happy?"

You'd think this experience alone would make me realize Heavenly Father might know a thing or two about what is best for me.

Then Ben and I started trying to have a baby. I never had any misgivings about getting pregnant, I didn't think it would happen overnight. The "trying" itself isn't half bad. But 15 months later and still nothing. Oh, we've had times when we thought we were, but still nothing. The last time I was sick every morning, and most of the day, everything hurt more, smells that normally didn't phase me made my stomach churn. I wanted to wait a couple of weeks, at least a week (let's face it I'm not the most patient person) to be sure. But then I got a UTI which wouldn't be a big deal, except it was followed by a kidney infection and a raging fever of 104 degrees for 3 days. After that, no more being sick in the morning. And then the spotting and the bleeding for weeks.

Before I got married it was "Why aren't you married yet?" or "I'll bet you're sad because your younger brother is getting married before you." Now, everywhere I turn someone is asking "When are you and Heavenly going to have kids?" "You don't have any kids yet?" Like it's a crime in Utah to be married for more than a year without getting pregnant. Why do people ask that? Have people become so insensitive that they no longer consider how questions like these might affect a person?

I know people who have been married less time than I've been trying who are already pregnant. And I've heard people trying half as long complain because everyone around them is pregnant, when it's really not the case, and all along they were pregnant anyway. I should be sympathetic, other people have tried much longer than we have and been told it would never happen.

I go to the doctor next week, I guess I'll be talking to her about my irregularity and getting back on the pill. But it makes me sad, like I'm giving up or finally admitting I can't get pregnant so why try? I'm sure some of you have felt the same as me, and many of you have experienced this and more. I know I'm one in a group of many women facing the same issues, many I know are much stronger than I. I feel blessed to know them.