More questions than answers

I imagine that going to the doctor produces results for other people and that I'm the only one who comes away from that experience with more questions than answers. Of course I know this to be entirely false and know that many of you understand exactly how I feel. But in a perfect world, my perfect world, I would be the only to feel this sorrow because I can't stand to watch those I know and love suffer. I am grateful every day that we don't live in my perfect world! Knowing I am not alone buoys me up and gives me strength that has often surpassed my own expectations.

Wednesday I went to the doctor for the first time since my miscarriage in June. Perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind the miscarriage was my fault and three months of extended pain is my way of giving myself what I deserve. Or perhaps I've been safely ignoring it so well that I didn't want to face the truth. That my body still aches for the little one I've lost. That my heart is broken. Still. It became abundantly clear as I recounted for her the events of that dreadful summer day, that healing in its fullest form still evades me.

My doctor has come up with and written out an explanation of our plan. A plan for what? I'm not sure. What happens when we finish all of these tests? I'm still no closer to the answer than I was before.

Friday I had an ultrasound, Catherine thought the pains I've been having were most likely caused by a cyst developed from the miscarriage. Not exactly a fun prospect, but at this point any concrete reason why I'm still hurting is welcome. Of course, it's never that easy for me. Typically "nothing significant" would be a great answer, it still leaves me in pain and without a clear cause or solution. So, there will be more medication and more testing. And then after that more medication again.

Next week Heavenly goes to the doctor and I go to see an endocrinologist, who will hopefully, determine how well my thyroid is functioning and adjust my medication. Just one more doctor, and higher dosages of medication that sends tremors through my hands. Where did these people go to school who think an increase in dosage will result in a decrease of symptoms? It's only ever been my experience that unpleasant side effects only increase along with the dose.

Did I mention I've been in more pain since the exam Wednesday and the ultrasound yesterday than I have been in quite a while? That wasn't part of the plan.

It's all part of the plan. According to my doctor's plan, we should know within three weeks... I'm not sure what we'll know. My plan? Hope that by the end of this I'll understand whether the best thing for us is to proceed with Clomid (see I told you, more medication) and try again to get pregnant, or to wait some undetermined time to "try again." And... try to keep the crying to a minimum.

counting my blessings

Here is Baby Juju, my latest and tiniest blessing. While his little brother was in his mommy's tummy Coco would always say that "Baby Juju" was in his own tummy. I love babies in blue jeans! I want one!

On the right is my beautiful sister who keeps having these little blessings. (Obviously! Because as cute as my brother is, he's definitely a boy.)
I'm so grateful for her because of her I have 5 little blessings I can't have on my own. And she herself has given me and continues to give me blessings beyond my ability to count them.

The hit bird flutters

So here's the thing... I wrote a post a few days ago about the following fertility question that struck me as very silly.

"How can I tell the difference between semen and fertile cervical fluid?"

I understand this is a valid question. I happened to understand the validity of the question before I posted this. However, whether it's a good question or not, I still think it sounds funny when you read it. I won't apologize for making fun of the question.

However, I will apologize, that some people can't channel their anger appropriately and instead lash out at those who did nothing to deserve it.

Kenna I'm sorry that our anonymous friend (and I use anonymous loosely and the word friend even more so, because we both know they're not very anonymous or friendly) said such terrible things to you when she was supposedly so angry with me. I wish she would have said such terrible things to me instead. Many people don't see your vulnerable side and don't realize just how much they hurt you when they're insensitive. My apologies to you.

I have a favorite seminary/institute teacher and he had a great saying: "The hit bird flutters." What does it mean? Figuratively speaking, if you throw a rock at a bird mid-flight, it will flutter if it's hit. People are the same way, they don't get offended unless what is said applies to them.

My blog wasn't meant to be hurtful, it wasn't striking out at all fertile women, I know and love many women, who unlike me, have been easily blessed with children. It wasn't even meant to strike out at all who have ever asked a stupid question. It was simply referring to that particular question which I found to be ridiculous when I read it.

Happy Birthday Tessa!

What's better than your husband having a super cool, entertaining best friend? When that friend marries the coolest girl ever and you get a new best friend too! This weekend I made this decadent chocolate marble cake to celebrate Tessa's 21st birthday. Hey Ben thanks for being smart enough to marry such an awesome girl! And Tessa, thanks for putting up with Ben!

Why are dumb people fertile?

Warning: The following post is really funny, but some people may find it gross. Read at your own risk. (it's not that bad, I'm just giving a heads up)

This morning I was flipping through tips on fertilityfriend.com and ran across one that made me laugh. It was one of those questions that made me cock my head to one side and say "huh?"

"How can I tell the difference between fertile cervical fluid and sperm?"

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that if you don't know how to tell the difference, ie; sperm comes from a boy, you probably shouldn't be having sex and you DEFINITELY shouldn't be procreating!

Honestly, don't you think a better time to be checking the consistency of your cervical fluid would be BEFORE sex?

I'm just saying.

Of course, this person will probably have no problem getting pregnant and have plenty of children who grow up equally ignorant. You know, since this whole fertility thing is so fair and all.

Waiting on the Lord

First of all, I have to tell you that some of these words came from someone else, I can't honestly take credit for them.

I found a great book a few weeks ago, one of those books you finish reading and want to immediately start over again. I found it at Macey's, it's published by Deseret Book, so I'm sure you can find it there. And you should too.

I Hate It When Exercise Is the Answer: A Fitness Program for the Soul
By: Emily Watts

I've heard her speak and have bought several of her books for my mom and sister, this is the first I've bought for myself. It won't be the last.

In a chapter 25 called "Wisdom from Gracie: An Exercise in Waiting on the Lord" the author tells of finding a postcard with this saying attributed to Gracie Allen: "Never put a period where God has placed a comma."

"Never put a period where God has placed a comma." It had immediate appeal for me as a person for whom punctuation has been a profession, but its meaning has since gone far beyond the 'editing connection.'

I like closure. I like to put the period on the sentence of a situation and move on. But life doesn't work that way very often. The Lord frequently invites us to trust Him, to hold on, to endure, to wait and see what He has in mind. As Psalm 27:14 tells us, 'Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.'

One of my problems is that, when my patience is tried, sometimes I attempt to jump too quickly to the hindsight. I trust that things will work out all right, and I can wait a little while for events to unfold, but often I try to put the period in places that were obviously meant for a comma. I think I see God's purposes when really we're not there yet."

Patience and waiting on the Lord are difficult for my finite mind to grasp, even more difficult to execute. And the concept of periods vs. commas becomes increasingly ironic to me when literal periods continue to dash my hopes of ever making it beyond the never ending comma of infertility.

(I swear this post started out as a positive idea... where did I get off track?)

Sigh... how to get back on track?

I've been trying to decide what my life would be like if I could remind myself that "...this too shall pass." So I am trying to be patient, because I'm certain that's one of the attributes my Father in Heaven is trying desperately to teach me. The idea is much simpler than the execution.

Has it really been 2 years?

Tomorrow Heavenly and I are going to see my friend who is finally home from his mission. I can't believe how fast time flies! I guess since Heavenly and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary I should have realized it was coming soon. After all, he came to our sealing just before he left.
Kyle, Chad and Jake had a surprise gift for me, and even got Heavenly in on the action. Kyle and Chad played and they all sang "Dream" by The Everly Brothers. The only time I teared up the entire day.

Kyle also sat at the guest book at our reception.

I still remember being nearly as excited for him to be there as I was that I was getting married. Ours was the first sealing he'd ever been to and he was so excited to be in the temple that day.

Thank heaven for wonderful friends!

(Yes I understand how pathetic it is that I've written about my friend coming home from his mission before I've done anything about my anniversary... such is life.)