The monster rears its ugly head again!

At a time when I should be happiest, married to my personal superhero, have a good job, a new car, a nice place to live, wonderful family and friends. So many things to be thankful for and happy about. Still, I feel that hideous depression lurking from the place I thought I'd banished it forever. Lurking is probably the wrong word, a few months ago it may have been only lurking. Today I feel it ever present in my daily life. Even as ridiculously hopeless as I feel, "I know that I am the luckiest."

My dear, sweet husband tries desperately to understand and help me through something he admittedly has never dealt with and knows nothing about. I see the confusion in his eyes as he holds me while I cry... again. For no reason. I hear the torment in his voice as he asks clumsily how he can help, and see my frustration mirrored in his pale blue eyes as this sends me into another wave of tears.

For months I've been making plans to fight the ugly monster, to be sure it doesn't take over my life again. But all of my planning has been for naught because I see now that I was too far gone then to ever actually DO anything. I'm far too stubborn to let Heavenly Hunk in and allow myself to become entirely vulnerable in my fallen state. I hide behind "you should already know" and "why don't you get it" instead of admitting I need help and that neither of us know exactly how to help me.

And for months Heavenly Hunk has shown an increase in patience, understanding and willingness to do whatever it takes to make me feel more like myself again. He's taken over all of the cleaning (not that I was ever very good at it), turns a blind eye if I'm still in bed when he gets home for lunch, and never once rebukes me when I've made it only as far as the couch, still in my pajamas when he comes home from work. He tells me I'm beautiful and kisses me tenderly when I feel ugly and unlovable, never hinting at the fact that I've all but stopped doing my hair/makeup or that I've put on weight. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I'll spend the rest of eternity trying to deserve him!

Please, pardon our dust!

Come, sit, read. But pardon the dust that swirls in clouds around you, we're just getting started and it may be slow going.

I keep using my lack of "blog knowledge" for the reason I've had this for months and have yet to post more than the blog my nephew helped with. My real hesitation isn't lack of knowledge, nor is it that I have nothing to say. If any of you know me, you know I'm rarely without words. No, these have been crutches used to avoid dealing with my real insecurities. Truth be told, I read my sister's blog (you may know her as magically mama) and doubt that anything I could say, no matter how significant, could ever be put so beautifully or eloquently as that of hers.

Tonight however, I found myself bursting with creative energy and filled with words wanting to escape.

A child shall lead them...

Here's my first blog, it will be short and sweet. Like my 8 year old nephew, Scud, who finally helped me figure out how to post it!