Be ye therefore helpful

In my own experience with infertility and loss, I have been buoyed up by the compassion of those around me who knew little more than the fact that I seemed "down." However, I have heard hurtful, insensitive words come from those who were privy to more intimate details.

I read a great post here about helping vs. hurtful hands. I have a very specific idea of who should read this, unfortunately I have no control over who actually will. And even if they do, they'll likely not understand it's meant for them. And if they do know I'm referring to them, they still won't acknowledge they have reason to read it. Nevertheless, I hope, whoever you are, this will help you to understand the necessity for genuine, caring concern and sensitivity when dealing with the feelings and healing of others.

If you know someone who has experienced miscarriage or loss of any kind, you must be sensitive to their needs. Don't know how? Here are a few things I've found helpful:

Independence --Let your loved one dictate the terms of their own grief process, including the type of support they receive and the amount of details they share and its duration. Remember loss is experienced differently by all. No one person can or should decide for others how long it will take or how it should be expressed. Because your grief is best eased by surrounding yourself with family who know exactly what you've experienced, does not make it so for everyone. All loss is personal, miscarriage and pregnancy loss is especially personal and so too are the emotions which accompany such a loss.

Prayer --One of the best and most supportive ways to love your friend or family member through this trying time, is through prayer. Your loved one may be reluctant to confide the intimate and painful details, but our Heavenly Father knows each one of their needs, often better than even they can know. Who better to petition for assistance than one who has descended below all things, who suffered and understands their physical and emotional stings so perfectly? Oft times as I pray a friend or loved one enters my thoughts and I will ask that our Heavenly Father will bless them and help them with whatever needs they might have. I am confident that His omniscience is sufficient to know them just as certainly as I know He knows me.

Time --Many times all that is needed, that you can give, is time. In my own experience I've found this to be the most difficult for some. Grief is messy and uncomfortable, someone else's pain can at times seem burdensome and unbearable. No matter how long it lasts, you should try to be understanding. I was lucky enough to have a neighbor tell me when I was pregnant that having a baby minimizes but does not take the pain completely away. Some have said to me "You have a baby now, isn't it time to get over that already?" I'm not! I spent the anniversary of my most recent miscarriage laying in bed snuggling my sweet 1 month old baby and sobbing. Those emotions may have been compounded by the fact that I couldn't ignore it and let it quietly pass me by as I'd intended. Instead we received a message early that morning that our friend would be going to the hospital to have her baby. I'm grateful for my sweet husband who held me and cared for that sweet baby in moments when I was too paralyzed by my own grief. I'm getting there, and I'll make it... but on my own terms.

Be patient and love us through it.