It's the incredible, unforgettable, multi-dimensional ME!

You may remember the post I wrote about my amazingly thoughtful sister and her unique Christmas gift to help me combat the blues. If you don't, you can read about it here. Or, you can scroll down and read it because it's literally like 2 posts away. Don't worry if you don't want to do either (I don't blame you), I'll give a little run down before I begin the second part.

Depression sucks. Seriously. I actually think that it literally sucks my will to live sometimes. I happened to be confiding in my sister, just before Christmas, about how bad my depression had been and still is. I didn't expect anything from her, sometimes I just need to talk and she makes a phenomenal sounding board. Fast forward a couple of weeks to Christmas. I was anxious to open my present from her because she'd mentioned being excited to give it to me "if she could pull it off." Made me curious. What she gave me was one of the most (maybe the most) considerate, thoughtful, loving gifts I've ever received and may ever receive. A jar. Not just any jar, but a jar filled with paper folded stars of beautiful papers. With it, a note: "A jar of Love and Encouragement. Open one each week for a year."

I'm not sure how many I've opened so far, but we're not even two months away from Christmas and having opened them every time I've needed a pick me up rather than once a week, I'm certain I've opened waaay more than 8. Sad that I've needed so many, but I've been eternally grateful to have each of them in my times of need.

Now for the follow-up. You may learn a few things that surprise you, some things you never knew about me. Maybe you'll realize you don't know me as well as you think. I know I've certainly been reminded of several things I'd let myself forget. Here's the list of what I've opened so far:

1. You are so thoughtful and mindful of others. You're always trying to find ways to make others happy and more comfortable. Thanks for your example.



2. "The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Nelson Mandela



3. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we re here, we might as well dance!



4. "What you create doesn't have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don't let fear of failure discourage you." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf



5. I love that she is so good at cooking and thinks everything tastes better with food dye. -Scud (Who is my adorable nephew who makes purple scrambled eggs that only he will eat and sends me pictures of them, because like he said, I get it!)



6. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7



7. This week, call me and let's find a time to go to dinner or lunch together. (Hey Haha, we totally need to do this still!)



8. "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." -Judy Garland



9. "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." - Franklin D. Roosevelt



10. "Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not. Fear not." -D&C 6:36



11. You are never afraid (or never appear afraid) to use your voice to speak and stand up for what you believe. Wow!



12. You are smart, witty and fun to talk to. Also, I'm always amazed by all you know because you pay attention! (How did I not learn that as a kid?)



13. You are one of the most generous people I know, and like Heavenly Father, a cheerful giver of good gifts.



14. "When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford



15. "Never give up on anyone. And that includes not giving up on yourself." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf



16. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6



17. "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." -Lao Tzu. This week, I encourage you to let go. Let go of who you were. Let go of who you think you are. Trust yourself to live, to grow, to become who you can be. It will be beautiful.



18. All of this attention you've received as a dispatcher is only the outward evidence of the inward amazingness of you. You are smart, brave, attentive. You genuinely care about others. You are doing things right. You are so good on the inside. You deserve an award daily.



19. I love that she is so caring. -Scud



20. I love that you're spunky, that you tease others and you're such a good sport. You're just so much fun.



21. You can do this! You can do hard things! You're amazing!



22. "Happiness is the object and design of our existence, and will be the end thereof if we pursue the path that leads to it." -Joseph Smith



23. I love the way she loves everyone. -Kaitybean (my wonderful niece who is not only equally spacey as her mother, but a beautiful, kind and wonderful, miniature version of her.)



24. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. Remember, you are in charge! -Kaitlyn (See, I told you!)



25. "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me." Phillipians 4:13



26. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27



27. I love that you are fiercely passionate. What you love, you love wholly. What you do, you do passionately. Bravo! (This one gets me into trouble. A lot.)



28. "Face troubles with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph with humility." -Thomas S. Monson



29. "God loves broken things." -Jeffrey R. Holland Remembering this has literally changed my life. I know, in my bones, that God loves me in my deeply broken state. His most treasured gifts are a broken heart and a contrite spirit. His love and mercy are constant, powerful. He loves me. He loves you!



30. How blessed I am to have a sister, and that it is you! Please always remember how dearly I love you, all of you, and that you're deeply deserving of that love.

I saw a saying that describes our relationship perfectly. "My sister has the best sister in the world!" It's true... my sister's sister has the best sister in the whole world! (Did you follow that?)

Writing all of these out made me realize that my most wonderful gift didn't come in a glass jar filled with paper, but in Heavenly Father giving me the most creatively loving sister. Thank you Haha, for being you. And for loving me, just for being me.

Counting my blessings in pictures...

Here are a few of our most recent family pictures from September 2010.

I've been struggling since Houston was born with postpartum depression. (more on that later) This post is a look at the blessings in my life. Today is a good day.

My sweet Heavenly watches Houston all night while I work and then on his days off he spends most of the day watching him so I can sleep. I'm the luckiest girl because He never complains, he doesn't think it's anything special. He doesn't realize that not all husbands are as willing to do their job as he is.

I wanted to remind myself of just how lucky I am to be the mommy of this sweet little miracle. (I promise, not even PPD could make me forget that!) I have a loving, hard working husband who loves me unconditionally. He is far better to me than I am to him. But I'm coming to realize that he is everything that I deserve as a beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father who sent them both to me.

I'm a little disappointed that Heavenly wasn't looking right at the camera for this shot since Houston and I look so dang cute.

I was so proud of this sweet little boy, he was such a happy, helpful little guy for all of our pictures.

10 Things someone loves about me.

I've been fighting the ugly depression monster lately, for quite some time really. My thyroid levels are elevated and so they've adjusted my dose. Again. And my doctor even suggested that I start back on anti-depressants. I'm not happy with that prospect and I appreciate that she left the decision ultimately up to me.

Apparently I haven't been very nice to myself lately because I got an email from my mom after one of my posts. I love her! She just gets me, she sees the best in me she knows who I really am. From now on I'm going to start doing a regular post that contains at least one good thing about me. For now, here's what she had to say:

Hi! Just read your blog. I don't know how to add a comment. I know, I know, I drive you crazy because I am so computer illiterate.

Okay, so I think, why would you want to run away from beautiful, wonderful you? I think you really want to run away from sick and miserable you. So I think you need to tell me 10 nice/good things about you. Remember when you and Jared were little and were so snotty to each other and I would make you say something nice about each other? Well, this is a version of that. Quit dwelling on the negative. Tell me 10 nice things about yourself - you know kind of like "name 10 fruits"!!!!!

Okay, so I'll tell you 10 things I love about you. If you can't add to my list, you can use some of my things.

1. You are beautiful - physically & emotionally.

2. You can think of the words that I can't! Better vocabulary - better memory.

3. You are kind to others.

4. You are thoughtful of others.

5. Your are nurturing. You take care of everyone - even your brother who probably doesn't deserve it. You take care of me and I do deserve it!

6. You are funny and witty and fun. Is that one thing or three?

7. You are smart. I am amazed at all that you know; about life, about people & relationships, about book smart stuff, about the scriptures. Oh, and you know more about computers than me.

8. You are spiritual - yes, you are - don't try to deny it.

9. You are loved - by your parents, your siblings, your niece and nephews, your aunts, uncles, cousins, cousin's wives, friends, co-workers, past co-workers, ladies in the 14th ward, and just about everyone that comes in contact with you.

10. You are spunky and irreverent. I know it sounds like that is contrary to #8, but it seems to work in you. You are such a fun mixture of sweet and sour, soft and strong.

Think I'll go to Boston

Lately I've felt like I need a change. I don't really want to move to Boston. Or even leave my home. I just want to run away from myself.

Gotta love Augustana... this song is chocolate cake for my ears. Yum!

The monster rears its ugly head again!

At a time when I should be happiest, married to my personal superhero, have a good job, a new car, a nice place to live, wonderful family and friends. So many things to be thankful for and happy about. Still, I feel that hideous depression lurking from the place I thought I'd banished it forever. Lurking is probably the wrong word, a few months ago it may have been only lurking. Today I feel it ever present in my daily life. Even as ridiculously hopeless as I feel, "I know that I am the luckiest."

My dear, sweet husband tries desperately to understand and help me through something he admittedly has never dealt with and knows nothing about. I see the confusion in his eyes as he holds me while I cry... again. For no reason. I hear the torment in his voice as he asks clumsily how he can help, and see my frustration mirrored in his pale blue eyes as this sends me into another wave of tears.

For months I've been making plans to fight the ugly monster, to be sure it doesn't take over my life again. But all of my planning has been for naught because I see now that I was too far gone then to ever actually DO anything. I'm far too stubborn to let Heavenly Hunk in and allow myself to become entirely vulnerable in my fallen state. I hide behind "you should already know" and "why don't you get it" instead of admitting I need help and that neither of us know exactly how to help me.

And for months Heavenly Hunk has shown an increase in patience, understanding and willingness to do whatever it takes to make me feel more like myself again. He's taken over all of the cleaning (not that I was ever very good at it), turns a blind eye if I'm still in bed when he gets home for lunch, and never once rebukes me when I've made it only as far as the couch, still in my pajamas when he comes home from work. He tells me I'm beautiful and kisses me tenderly when I feel ugly and unlovable, never hinting at the fact that I've all but stopped doing my hair/makeup or that I've put on weight. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I'll spend the rest of eternity trying to deserve him!