This Christmas I will...

I found a couple of quotes at www.lds.org about the true meaning of Christmas, something I think I've missed this year.

"For each of you may this be a merry Christmas. But more importantly, I wish for each of you a time, perhaps only an hour, spent in silent meditation and quiet reflection on the wonder and the majesty of this, the Son of God. Our joy at this season is because He came into the world. The peace that comes from Him, His infinite love which each of us may feel, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude for that which He freely gave us at so great a cost to Himself—these are of the true essence of Christmas." --Gordon B. Hinckley

"Christmas is more than trees and twinkling lights, more than toys and gifts and baubles of a hundred varieties. It is love. It is the love of the Son of God for all mankind. It reaches out beyond our power to comprehend. It is magnificent and beautiful." --Gordon B. Hinckley

And so, I will forgive myself, for taking the easy way out and buying a real tree instead of spending several hours putting up my gigantic artificial tree that I love so much. I will forgive myself for not putting all of my ornaments on the tree, and sticking with a sort of "Charlie Brown" look. I will forgive myself, for not putting out all of my decorations. And I'll forgive myself for not wrapping any of our presents, because this year we shopped together. I'll worry less, that I should have done more.

And this Christmas, instead of complaining that I have to drive in the snow, I'll be grateful to have a car that works well with a heater that works very well. And when I go to work on Christmas, while everyone else is at home opening presents, playing with presents, or spending time with family, I'll remember that there are many who are unemployed this Christmas. So I'll be grateful, because I still have a job.

Tonight when Heavenly gets home and complains again about how busy he was at work, I'll listen to him, and be grateful for such a wonderful husband who works so hard.

And before we go to bed tonight, we'll curl up in a blanket with some hot chocolate and read about the Savior's birth. And we can both be grateful for Heavenly Father's gentle reminder of what this season is really about.

An angel among us

I just finished reading an email from my friend "Red" who is currently volunteering for about a month and a half in Uganda Africa. She's working at an orphanage/school teaching english. On the map you an also see Tanzania, where she worked for 2 months last year in another orphanage. This girl is the most amazing person I know! Every day off was spent working overtime to save money and earn enough leave to go on the trip. Not only did she pay her way to get there, she also bought Christmas presents and supplies for the little children.

This is either her third or fourth service mission this year alone, volunteering with OpSmile to help those in third world countries receive new faces and a new lease on life. As if that's not cool enough, in January before she comes home, she is headed to Rwanda to go gorilla trekking. Honestly, I can't even begin to tell you all how lucky I am to know her, or how lucky we all are that there are people like her. I just wanted to give her props for being such an amazing woman!

The monster rears its ugly head again!

At a time when I should be happiest, married to my personal superhero, have a good job, a new car, a nice place to live, wonderful family and friends. So many things to be thankful for and happy about. Still, I feel that hideous depression lurking from the place I thought I'd banished it forever. Lurking is probably the wrong word, a few months ago it may have been only lurking. Today I feel it ever present in my daily life. Even as ridiculously hopeless as I feel, "I know that I am the luckiest."

My dear, sweet husband tries desperately to understand and help me through something he admittedly has never dealt with and knows nothing about. I see the confusion in his eyes as he holds me while I cry... again. For no reason. I hear the torment in his voice as he asks clumsily how he can help, and see my frustration mirrored in his pale blue eyes as this sends me into another wave of tears.

For months I've been making plans to fight the ugly monster, to be sure it doesn't take over my life again. But all of my planning has been for naught because I see now that I was too far gone then to ever actually DO anything. I'm far too stubborn to let Heavenly Hunk in and allow myself to become entirely vulnerable in my fallen state. I hide behind "you should already know" and "why don't you get it" instead of admitting I need help and that neither of us know exactly how to help me.

And for months Heavenly Hunk has shown an increase in patience, understanding and willingness to do whatever it takes to make me feel more like myself again. He's taken over all of the cleaning (not that I was ever very good at it), turns a blind eye if I'm still in bed when he gets home for lunch, and never once rebukes me when I've made it only as far as the couch, still in my pajamas when he comes home from work. He tells me I'm beautiful and kisses me tenderly when I feel ugly and unlovable, never hinting at the fact that I've all but stopped doing my hair/makeup or that I've put on weight. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I'll spend the rest of eternity trying to deserve him!