Contentment? Not today.

"Contentment: Inspirational insight for the LDS mother"


This is the title of a book I passed while walking through Walmart. I didn't see any books offering insight for those LDS women struggling with infertility. There is no "Chicken Soup for the childless LDS woman's soul." So I wonder, what about the rest of us?

Family and friends offer words of comfort, words like"It will happen." "...in the Lord's time." "Everything happens for a reason." "We were married for 3 years before we had... and another 4 after that until..." Words spoken in love, with the best of intentions, splinter the shards of my already broken heart and taste like bile in my mouth.

I know all too well that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. In mid-May "Congratulations, you're pregnant," from my doctor felt more like a cruel joke than welcome news.

It is difficult to find contentment when some mothers are lying in a hospital room counting perfect fingers and tiny toes, and I clutch only my cramping belly and aching heart. In the end my hospital room looks more like a horror movie, soaked crimson with my lost blood and with it lost hope. The agonizing pain of my fruitless labor made sharper as I leave the hospital with empty arms and empty womb.

Contentment you say? Perhaps some day it will find me, but not today.

Moving vs. Vacationing

I've decided one thing I like about moving, you pack EVERYTHING! I get really anxious when I pack for a vacation and (ask my Dad because it makes him crazy) tend to over pack. Over pack is probably an understatement. I just get so worried I'll forget something or a situation will come up and I'll need something I have at home, so I bring it along too. When you're packing to move you don't have to worry about that because you entirely empty out your apartment or your house until it is devoid of any personal belonging. Then you clean every nook and cranny so even if you missed something by chance, you're likely to find it.

No worrying about forgotten cameras or packing enough underwear, you just take it all.

On a happy note, I ordered an Ultra Shark steam blaster last week and it came a few days early! I've been excited to get it and use it on my new tile and hardwood floors, now I'm even more excited because I get to use it to clean my old apartment!

I am a child of the 80s

A few questions I have.

How can two people who built a lovin' home,
Try for years and never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holdin' tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticize what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

--A Few Questions by Clay Walker

New House!

Here are a couple of pictures of our new house. I'll post some of the inside when we're finished moving in and painting.

What's with the red square?

Heavenly and I recently bought a new house, and in our new formal room there is a solitary red square/rectangle. Heavenly and I, along with Brandon our real estate agent had a grand time coming up with our own ideas why someone would paint a single solitary rectangle of red on the wall without finishing the entire wall.

Here are some of our top reasons:
1. Testing the color before they painted the upstairs bedroom
2. Leftover paint after painting the bedroom
3. Wanted to paint the whole wall, but decided they were too tired after painting an entire bedroom
4. Frame for a picture
5. They thought a red circle would be too weird

Here's the deal, it was fun coming up with our ideas, but I want to know what you think. Leave me a comment and let me know why you think the previous home owners would have painted a solitary square instead of finishing the entire wall.

Sometimes God gives us people to show how much He loves us.

Throughout all of my moves I have kept a simple card given to me by my sister. I can't remember now why she gave it to me in the first place. I run across it every once in a while and it reminds me that I do not have to face my struggles alone.

The front is a picture of two little girls decked out in rain hats, ponchos and galoshes underneath a great big umbrella. Inside is the simple phrase "Until the sun comes out again for you, my umbrella's big enough for two."

At the end of my sister's loving, hope-filled words she wrote a list of scripture passages and this quote:

"... the greatest anchor to your soul, in time of trouble, in time of temptation, in times of sickness, in times of indecision, in times of your struggles and work, (is that) you can know with a certainty that defies all doubt that God lives."
--Pres. Harold B. Lee
Read:
Doctrine & Covenants 121-122
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not forsaken, cast down but not destroyed.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
John 14:18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

I am grateful for my knowledge that God lives, that He loves me. And in times of trials when I am faced with challenges sure to break my soul, those struggles which cause me to doubt whether God really does hear me and answer me.... I am eternally grateful to Him because He gave me a family who loves me and a sister who shares her umbrella.

What would your cardboard sign say today?

If I had a cardboard sign today, mine would say "Will work for prayers."

I'm not ready to write about why, but I really need your prayers. Please, try to remember Heavenly and I as you pray. I know I'll write about it later, right now I'm just too drained and emotionally raw to be able to put it into words.

Falling apart...

I'm convinced my Heavenly Father gave me a husband with strong hands and strong arms, who holds me firmly when things go wrong, to keep me from falling apart.