"You're in our prayers." This is a phrase I've read and heard several times lately and I'm grateful for those who keep me in their thoughts and prayers.
Perhaps things in my life would be different if I were in my own prayers along with the prayers of others. Maybe if I read my scriptures more often, or at all. I just need to go to the temple regularly and be more faithful. I'm sure that will solve everything. Right?
I don't feel like praying, and haven't for some time. In the beginning I'm sure this was born of laziness, and laziness turned to habit. I still pray at meal time and I frequently pray for safety on my way to or from work. There are times when I feel the need to get on my knees and talk to my Heavenly Father, and other times while I'm alone in the car when I pour out my heart to Him.
Times of personal prayer have become all too infrequent. Prolonged manifestations of depression have desensitized me to the constant companionship or even the desire for the Spirit.
But is it really my lack of faith that's causing my infertility?
In Genesis, Sarah, wife of Abraham suffered decades of infertility. Her faith never decreased and her commitment to the Lord never faltered. Even when she watched another woman carry her husband's child and suffered greatly from the same woman's cruelty. She may have doubted, but always believed the Lord would give her the desires of her heart. Was she too being punished for some moral shortcoming?
H. Burke Peterson at General Conference in 1974, had this to say:
"We should understand that a life filled with problems is no respecter of age or station in life. A life filled with trials is no respecter of position in the Church or social standing in the community. Challenges come to the young and to the aged—to the rich and to the poor—to the struggling student or the genius scientist—to the farmer, carpenter, lawyer, or doctor. Trials come to the strong and to the weak—to the sick and to the healthy. Yes, even to the simplest child as well as to a prophet of God. At times they seem to be more than we can bear."
It's easy for an outside observer to stand on their soapbox and tell me that I'm not pregnant yet because "You're not living the gospel to its exactness." And it would be even easier for me to look them in the eye and say "Oh really? So that's why all those faithful, church-going crack whores have 8 kids on welfare?"
My life has been filled with medical problems and it seems they're not over yet. As a child I was diagnosed with Reflux, a disorder affecting the bladder and kidneys, where the ureters (tubes that transport urine from the kidneys to the bladder) were not functioning properly. These tubes were not closing off entirely and the urine was returning back into the kidneys and causing significant damage. I still have both kidneys, but in actuality, with 25% function of the left and 75% function of the right kidney, it is as if I only have one.
Because of this reflux I've had several doctors tell me I most likely will not be able to have children. That if I do get pregnant I will be extremely high risk because the kidney may not be strong enough to sustain myself and my baby. Most children might not understand what this means for their future or even care, I was devastated!
Reflux produced a hormone which causes high blood pressure, this hypertension went undetected until I had my tonsils out between 5th and 6th grades. Even then the doctor thought it would eventually come down and told my mother it was normal for the blood pressure to be elevated during surgery. It wasn't until my dad, studying to be an EMT, kept getting readings which were off the charts for an 11 year old, finally took me to see his instructors. They got the same readings and it was time for me to go to the doctor.
Doctors have tried for years to diagnose me with poly-cystic ovary syndrome to explain my irregular menses, but after countless ultrasounds were unsuccessful. This year I was finally diagnosed. With symptoms like, weight gain/trouble losing weight, irregular menses, fertility problems, multiple miscarriages and depression I actually felt glad to be diagnosed. At least it was an explanation for some of the problems I've been having.
A blood test also showed that my thyroid is under-active, hypothyroid. This condition carries similar symptoms to P.C.O.S, depression, weight gain/trouble losing weight, irregular menses, feeling tired or weak and memory problems.
The medical odds are stacked against me. I have not one, but several physical problems that make fertility difficult. Still, I'm sure you're right, it's because I don't pray or read my scriptures enough.
5 comments:
oh val, i am so sorry, sorry that people equated your pregnancy problems to not doing enough in the gospel, and sorry that you are having such a hard time getting pregnant. i sure love you even if we only see each other at heathers house any more.
Hmmm... I was browsing through the blogs here and happened to come across yours. Catchy title, by the way! I would like to leave my opinion if I may.
From what I gather, I assume that you are LDS, as am I. I also assume that whoever made these comments is LDS as well. So, this is my opinion:
It seems to me that whoever made these comments to you was under the assumption that you believed the in same things. So they probably didn't figure that you would be offended by what they had to say. I, as an LDS member, believe that the harder I work at doing what the Lord has asked me to do (i.e. praying, reading scriptures, serving others, showing kindness, etc.) the more blessings I will recieve. I think that most LDS people believe the same thing. So telling another member that becoming better will bring more blessings seems to be something obvious rather than offensive.
In fact, in the scriptures, the only people who were angry and offended when they were told to become better, were the ones who knew they weren't doing all that they should, so they got defensive.
I'm not saying that you are wrong. It is very likely that you might have the same struggles even if you were the most faithful and obedient person on Earth. But you should not be offended by these comments. The only outcome I have ever seen from trying to become better, is a positive outcome. So adding in your own prayers with the ones that are already being said for you definitely can't hurt anything, right?
I'm sure the intentions of this person were very sincere, and meant to be helpful. We often judge too quickly because for some reason it is easier to judge than it is to accept.
Well, I have taken up enough space. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts with you.
I'm sorry you have to deal with so many struggles! Hang in there! Love ya!
Anonymous,
I can see the point you are trying to make. It's true, the harder we strive to 'live the gospel with exactness' the more we will be blessed.
I think you misunderstood what Val was trying to say here. First off, there is no one on this earth who is, 'living the gospel to exactness.' It is, however, full of people attempting to live the gospel with exactness.
Val's situation has absolutely nothing to do with how many times she prays per day, or how many chapters of Nephi she reads. She got the short end of the 'fertility stick' and that can only be blamed on mortality. God is not punishing her (and I'm not saying you were implying this) but is letting her work through the trials that mortality gives.
Yes, one day she will be blessed with what she wants so badly, and of course, doing the things that we have been taught can't hurt. I have learned, however, in my own experiences that I am blessed with the strength to wake up each day and face my trial.
Going to the temple every day is not magically going to give her a baby. It will calm her, soothe her, and help her carry on until she is granted that blessing.
I am rambled, and I have probably not made any sense, but I tried.
Good luck deciphering .
Sorry, I forgot to add something.
I oft times think of Sheri Dew. Not married, no kids. I bet she is hardcore when it comes to the gospel, living it with as much exactness as she can.
Now, I'm not saying I or Val or anyone is like Sheri Dew, but can you imagine if someone told her it isn't working out because she, 'isn't living the gospel to exactness?'
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