More questions than answers

I imagine that going to the doctor produces results for other people and that I'm the only one who comes away from that experience with more questions than answers. Of course I know this to be entirely false and know that many of you understand exactly how I feel. But in a perfect world, my perfect world, I would be the only to feel this sorrow because I can't stand to watch those I know and love suffer. I am grateful every day that we don't live in my perfect world! Knowing I am not alone buoys me up and gives me strength that has often surpassed my own expectations.

Wednesday I went to the doctor for the first time since my miscarriage in June. Perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind the miscarriage was my fault and three months of extended pain is my way of giving myself what I deserve. Or perhaps I've been safely ignoring it so well that I didn't want to face the truth. That my body still aches for the little one I've lost. That my heart is broken. Still. It became abundantly clear as I recounted for her the events of that dreadful summer day, that healing in its fullest form still evades me.

My doctor has come up with and written out an explanation of our plan. A plan for what? I'm not sure. What happens when we finish all of these tests? I'm still no closer to the answer than I was before.

Friday I had an ultrasound, Catherine thought the pains I've been having were most likely caused by a cyst developed from the miscarriage. Not exactly a fun prospect, but at this point any concrete reason why I'm still hurting is welcome. Of course, it's never that easy for me. Typically "nothing significant" would be a great answer, it still leaves me in pain and without a clear cause or solution. So, there will be more medication and more testing. And then after that more medication again.

Next week Heavenly goes to the doctor and I go to see an endocrinologist, who will hopefully, determine how well my thyroid is functioning and adjust my medication. Just one more doctor, and higher dosages of medication that sends tremors through my hands. Where did these people go to school who think an increase in dosage will result in a decrease of symptoms? It's only ever been my experience that unpleasant side effects only increase along with the dose.

Did I mention I've been in more pain since the exam Wednesday and the ultrasound yesterday than I have been in quite a while? That wasn't part of the plan.

It's all part of the plan. According to my doctor's plan, we should know within three weeks... I'm not sure what we'll know. My plan? Hope that by the end of this I'll understand whether the best thing for us is to proceed with Clomid (see I told you, more medication) and try again to get pregnant, or to wait some undetermined time to "try again." And... try to keep the crying to a minimum.

counting my blessings

Here is Baby Juju, my latest and tiniest blessing. While his little brother was in his mommy's tummy Coco would always say that "Baby Juju" was in his own tummy. I love babies in blue jeans! I want one!

On the right is my beautiful sister who keeps having these little blessings. (Obviously! Because as cute as my brother is, he's definitely a boy.)
I'm so grateful for her because of her I have 5 little blessings I can't have on my own. And she herself has given me and continues to give me blessings beyond my ability to count them.

The hit bird flutters

So here's the thing... I wrote a post a few days ago about the following fertility question that struck me as very silly.

"How can I tell the difference between semen and fertile cervical fluid?"

I understand this is a valid question. I happened to understand the validity of the question before I posted this. However, whether it's a good question or not, I still think it sounds funny when you read it. I won't apologize for making fun of the question.

However, I will apologize, that some people can't channel their anger appropriately and instead lash out at those who did nothing to deserve it.

Kenna I'm sorry that our anonymous friend (and I use anonymous loosely and the word friend even more so, because we both know they're not very anonymous or friendly) said such terrible things to you when she was supposedly so angry with me. I wish she would have said such terrible things to me instead. Many people don't see your vulnerable side and don't realize just how much they hurt you when they're insensitive. My apologies to you.

I have a favorite seminary/institute teacher and he had a great saying: "The hit bird flutters." What does it mean? Figuratively speaking, if you throw a rock at a bird mid-flight, it will flutter if it's hit. People are the same way, they don't get offended unless what is said applies to them.

My blog wasn't meant to be hurtful, it wasn't striking out at all fertile women, I know and love many women, who unlike me, have been easily blessed with children. It wasn't even meant to strike out at all who have ever asked a stupid question. It was simply referring to that particular question which I found to be ridiculous when I read it.

Happy Birthday Tessa!

What's better than your husband having a super cool, entertaining best friend? When that friend marries the coolest girl ever and you get a new best friend too! This weekend I made this decadent chocolate marble cake to celebrate Tessa's 21st birthday. Hey Ben thanks for being smart enough to marry such an awesome girl! And Tessa, thanks for putting up with Ben!

Why are dumb people fertile?

Warning: The following post is really funny, but some people may find it gross. Read at your own risk. (it's not that bad, I'm just giving a heads up)

This morning I was flipping through tips on fertilityfriend.com and ran across one that made me laugh. It was one of those questions that made me cock my head to one side and say "huh?"

"How can I tell the difference between fertile cervical fluid and sperm?"

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that if you don't know how to tell the difference, ie; sperm comes from a boy, you probably shouldn't be having sex and you DEFINITELY shouldn't be procreating!

Honestly, don't you think a better time to be checking the consistency of your cervical fluid would be BEFORE sex?

I'm just saying.

Of course, this person will probably have no problem getting pregnant and have plenty of children who grow up equally ignorant. You know, since this whole fertility thing is so fair and all.