I imagine that going to the doctor produces results for other people and that I'm the only one who comes away from that experience with more questions than answers. Of course I know this to be entirely false and know that many of you understand exactly how I feel. But in a perfect world, my perfect world, I would be the only to feel this sorrow because I can't stand to watch those I know and love suffer. I am grateful every day that we don't live in my perfect world! Knowing I am not alone buoys me up and gives me strength that has often surpassed my own expectations.
Wednesday I went to the doctor for the first time since my miscarriage in June. Perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind the miscarriage was my fault and three months of extended pain is my way of giving myself what I deserve. Or perhaps I've been safely ignoring it so well that I didn't want to face the truth. That my body still aches for the little one I've lost. That my heart is broken. Still. It became abundantly clear as I recounted for her the events of that dreadful summer day, that healing in its fullest form still evades me.
My doctor has come up with and written out an explanation of our plan. A plan for what? I'm not sure. What happens when we finish all of these tests? I'm still no closer to the answer than I was before.
Friday I had an ultrasound, Catherine thought the pains I've been having were most likely caused by a cyst developed from the miscarriage. Not exactly a fun prospect, but at this point any concrete reason why I'm still hurting is welcome. Of course, it's never that easy for me. Typically "nothing significant" would be a great answer, it still leaves me in pain and without a clear cause or solution. So, there will be more medication and more testing. And then after that more medication again.
Next week Heavenly goes to the doctor and I go to see an endocrinologist, who will hopefully, determine how well my thyroid is functioning and adjust my medication. Just one more doctor, and higher dosages of medication that sends tremors through my hands. Where did these people go to school who think an increase in dosage will result in a decrease of symptoms? It's only ever been my experience that unpleasant side effects only increase along with the dose.
Did I mention I've been in more pain since the exam Wednesday and the ultrasound yesterday than I have been in quite a while? That wasn't part of the plan.
It's all part of the plan. According to my doctor's plan, we should know within three weeks... I'm not sure what we'll know. My plan? Hope that by the end of this I'll understand whether the best thing for us is to proceed with Clomid (see I told you, more medication) and try again to get pregnant, or to wait some undetermined time to "try again." And... try to keep the crying to a minimum.
5 comments:
I had 5 miscarriages before having my daughter. It was so hard with every one. I had all the tests done at the doctor and they didn't really find an answer as to why it was happening. But they also said that was a good thing...because there was no concrete reason why it was happening. But that didn't make me feel any better. Now I just tell my self that I have five little angels waiting for me in Heaven. The odd thing? My daughter has five imaginary sisters that she talks about.
This is why fertility can be one of the most heart wrenching and frustrating experiences one can have. There are rarely concrete answers. But I do think that along the journey you learn more about yourself and your body and just keep the hope alive, and your Faith in God strong.
You will make it through this, it doesn't feel like it now, but you will.
You are in our prayers Valerie. The pain of losing a baby is one that takes worlds longer to dissipate the pain than you would ever think. Know that you are not alone.
((HUGS))
I remember my own, 'discovery period.' Doctor's visits, tests, procedures, and no concrete answers.
I wish I could do something to make it all go away.
You can do this, promise.
Nothing extra to add, really.
Just that I love you. Be gentle with yourself. Pretend it's me going through all of this and treat yourself as kindly as you'd treat me. That ought to help.
Ah, Valerie. I'm so sorry. I had a very good friend whose mother had ten miscarriages in ten years before things seemed to click and she had 3 children in 4 years. Who can figure?
My prayer are with you. And I know Heavenly Father knows your pain.
*hugs*
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