The hit bird flutters

So here's the thing... I wrote a post a few days ago about the following fertility question that struck me as very silly.

"How can I tell the difference between semen and fertile cervical fluid?"

I understand this is a valid question. I happened to understand the validity of the question before I posted this. However, whether it's a good question or not, I still think it sounds funny when you read it. I won't apologize for making fun of the question.

However, I will apologize, that some people can't channel their anger appropriately and instead lash out at those who did nothing to deserve it.

Kenna I'm sorry that our anonymous friend (and I use anonymous loosely and the word friend even more so, because we both know they're not very anonymous or friendly) said such terrible things to you when she was supposedly so angry with me. I wish she would have said such terrible things to me instead. Many people don't see your vulnerable side and don't realize just how much they hurt you when they're insensitive. My apologies to you.

I have a favorite seminary/institute teacher and he had a great saying: "The hit bird flutters." What does it mean? Figuratively speaking, if you throw a rock at a bird mid-flight, it will flutter if it's hit. People are the same way, they don't get offended unless what is said applies to them.

My blog wasn't meant to be hurtful, it wasn't striking out at all fertile women, I know and love many women, who unlike me, have been easily blessed with children. It wasn't even meant to strike out at all who have ever asked a stupid question. It was simply referring to that particular question which I found to be ridiculous when I read it.

Why are dumb people fertile?

Warning: The following post is really funny, but some people may find it gross. Read at your own risk. (it's not that bad, I'm just giving a heads up)

This morning I was flipping through tips on fertilityfriend.com and ran across one that made me laugh. It was one of those questions that made me cock my head to one side and say "huh?"

"How can I tell the difference between fertile cervical fluid and sperm?"

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that if you don't know how to tell the difference, ie; sperm comes from a boy, you probably shouldn't be having sex and you DEFINITELY shouldn't be procreating!

Honestly, don't you think a better time to be checking the consistency of your cervical fluid would be BEFORE sex?

I'm just saying.

Of course, this person will probably have no problem getting pregnant and have plenty of children who grow up equally ignorant. You know, since this whole fertility thing is so fair and all.

No hope for the future...

I answered a 911 call and a timid little voice on the other end of the line said, "There's a car outside that wrecked, can you come fix it?"

"There's a car outside that's wrecked?" I confirmed, "How did it get wrecked?"

"It wrecked into a fence." She said matter of factly.

"A car wrecked into a fence, is anyone hurt?" I questioned.

"Uh-huh. Can you come fix it?"

I started a call on my screen of a car accident and at this point felt like I needed to get some more information and hopefully talk to an adult.

"Can I talk to your mommy or your daddy?"

"She told me not to stay on too long." Click.

When I called back it was an older gentleman who answered the phone. I informed him that a cute little boy or girl had called 911 and said there was a wreck, that a car had crashed into a fence outside of the house and people were hurt.

"There's a car wreck in front of the house? Hang on, let me see." (Um, not exactly what I expected.) When he got back to the phone he told me there was no car wreck in front of the house or anywhere that he could see, so I explained to him that it was a child who had called and perhaps it was just a prank. So he told me his granddaughter was there and perhaps it was her, "Here, can you tell her mother what you just told me?"

Another voice got on the phone, I explained again how her imaginative little girl had called 911 and told me that a car had wrecked into a fence in front of the house and people were hurt.

"Oh, I didn't even know she knew the number for 911," was her reply.

When I have a more intelligent conversation with a 5 year old than I do with her mother, I worry about the future. Or, maybe it means I should worry less about the future and wonder how that little girl came to be as bright as she is with such little help.

But Officer, I had the munchies!

"Two Weeks Notice" starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, has a great conversation outlining what defines an emergency.

Sandra Bullock: "You said it was an emergency! And didn't I memo you as to what constitutes an emergency?"
Hugh Grant: "Yes, large meteor, severe loss of blood and what was the third one again?"
Sandra Bullock: "DEATH! And you're not dead!"

A call we got last night has kept these comedic tag lines swirling through my head all day. Surely more people should take Sandra Bullock's advice when trying to determine whether their complaint warrants a call to 911.

Sometime after 1 AM a female called from one of the rest areas in our area. Her cell phone kept cutting out and my partner was barely able to ascertain her location, let alone what the emergency was. He called back after the phone disconnected and what he found out had me flabbergasted! The woman was calling 911 because the vending machines at the rest area were not working properly.

I've tilted and shaken, bumped and pounded on a vending machine. I've even contorted, however unsuccessfully, my arm in an attempt to get that ungettable snack food. In all the times I've punched my selection only to watch with disappointment as the corner of the packaging snags on my delightful 75 cent cupcake, not once did it ever occur to me that I should call the police! After all, what more could he/she do, shoot the dang thing?

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

Dang it, thou didst yet another stupid thing that I must add to my list. Thou hast caused me to lose track. Alas I will have to begin my counting again! In doing so thou hast given me yet another reason to add to my ever growing list. Oh how you vex me so!!

Read the sign stupid!

Tonight on the way to work I passed a large recycling bin. There was a man in military fatigues standing next to it breaking cardboard boxes to fit into the small slots. The bold white lettering on the front and side of the bin read "NEWSPAPER ONLY."

Hmm, maybe that's why they don't have holes big enough for cardboard, ya think?

Just when I thought I'd heard it all

Dispatcher: "911 what's the address of your emergency?"

Caller: "Oh this isn't an emergency, I've been calling the police department but no one answered."

Dispatcher: "What's the problem?"

Caller: "Oh there's no problem, I just wanted to let the officers know they can get a free Grand Slam if they come into Denny's tomorrow between 6AM and 2PM."

Seriously, I thought I'd heard every stupid reason for calling 911, but it seems as though stupid people never cease to be stupid!

I can't wait, on my last day when they call 911 for a non-emergency, or say they "just couldn't find the non-emergency number." On that day my reply won't be the patient "How can I help you?" or "No problem, here's that number." Instead they'll be shocked to hear "You know there's an incredible invention they came up with a few years ago, Google, maybe you've heard of it." Or perhaps "Have you ever heard of a phone book?" "So, what part of being unable to find the non-emergency number made THAT an emergency?"

Whew, I can't wait for that day!