My husband, my hero

I want to introduce you all to my husband, my hero. Heavenly and I were married July 27, 2007.

That was the beginning of the rest of my life. He has become my best friend, the one I tell all of my secrets to, the one who makes me laugh, dries my tears when I cry and picks me up when I fall. I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who allowed me to be his wife because he knew how desperately I would need him for my husband.

Thank you for everything you do and everything you are. Because of you I have the strength to get out of bed every day. Because of you I can face whatever comes our way. I will be forever changed for good, because you love me. I am better because I love you.

Would you...

If you went on a blind date and your date spent most of the time flirting with and sitting on the lap of your friend...would you ask her on a second date?

I sure as heck wouldn't! I'd tell her to go pound sand!!

Would you?

The Hit Bird Flutters - Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous...

A beloved seminary teacher once told me, "the hit bird flutters..." What he was trying to illustrate to his class of 30+ high school aged students, was that people are typically only offended if something is true. There's another, more widely known saying "The truth hurts." For years I've remembered that unique saying, whenever offended I would step back and ask myself if I was offended because there was any truth to what was said.

May I first admit to you, you are correct. I am an active member of the LDS church.

I do believe that obedience and faith bring blessings from a loving Heavenly Father. But I also believe in a kind and merciful Father in Heaven who grants blessings to those not of our faith, to both the obedient and the disobedient, because He loves them all. I also believe with all my aching heart in a Father who is merciful to His struggling child. I am grateful for He who looks at me and my meager contribution and tells me, as a parent should, that it is enough, and I am enough.

It's one thing to receive criticism from someone who knows nothing about you except a few lines jotted down on a blog. But to turn to those in your life who are meant to give you comfort, support and unconditional love, and receive no words of comfort, only cold words of condemnation, is quite another. I don't want to hear that I'm not good enough, that I'm not doing enough, that what I have given is less than the perfection they expect.

Struggles with infertility and miscarriage have left me drained, my hope and faith replaced by doubt and bitterness. What faith and hope I do retain feel like empty words, vacant like my womb, they do little to heal my broken heart or fill my empty, aching arms.

I know I should say something about how we would never learn if things always came easily. (Although others must not have as much to learn because the same things which seem impossible to me, come all too easily to them.) And without loss we can never fully appreciate what we have. In my mind I know it's true and will be great to say in retrospect. And even though I know it's true, it comes as cold comfort.

The Lord has commanded us to "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing..." and with that a promise that "...all things shall work together for thy good..."

But has he not also commanded us that we should be willing to bear one another's burdens, to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort?

Ode to a dark dispatch center

When I enter the light hurts my eyes,
I wait amid blinding fluorescence,
until midnight and salvation come,
and as the light lovers go I follow,
and flip the switch that with it brings,
a darkness that embraces me
like a familiar, welcome friend.

Fertility and living the gospel to exactness.

"You're in our prayers." This is a phrase I've read and heard several times lately and I'm grateful for those who keep me in their thoughts and prayers.

Perhaps things in my life would be different if I were in my own prayers along with the prayers of others. Maybe if I read my scriptures more often, or at all. I just need to go to the temple regularly and be more faithful. I'm sure that will solve everything. Right?

I don't feel like praying, and haven't for some time. In the beginning I'm sure this was born of laziness, and laziness turned to habit. I still pray at meal time and I frequently pray for safety on my way to or from work. There are times when I feel the need to get on my knees and talk to my Heavenly Father, and other times while I'm alone in the car when I pour out my heart to Him.

Times of personal prayer have become all too infrequent. Prolonged manifestations of depression have desensitized me to the constant companionship or even the desire for the Spirit.

But is it really my lack of faith that's causing my infertility?

In Genesis, Sarah, wife of Abraham suffered decades of infertility. Her faith never decreased and her commitment to the Lord never faltered. Even when she watched another woman carry her husband's child and suffered greatly from the same woman's cruelty. She may have doubted, but always believed the Lord would give her the desires of her heart. Was she too being punished for some moral shortcoming?

H. Burke Peterson at General Conference in 1974, had this to say:

"We should understand that a life filled with problems is no respecter of age or station in life. A life filled with trials is no respecter of position in the Church or social standing in the community. Challenges come to the young and to the aged—to the rich and to the poor—to the struggling student or the genius scientist—to the farmer, carpenter, lawyer, or doctor. Trials come to the strong and to the weak—to the sick and to the healthy. Yes, even to the simplest child as well as to a prophet of God. At times they seem to be more than we can bear."

It's easy for an outside observer to stand on their soapbox and tell me that I'm not pregnant yet because "You're not living the gospel to its exactness." And it would be even easier for me to look them in the eye and say "Oh really? So that's why all those faithful, church-going crack whores have 8 kids on welfare?"

My life has been filled with medical problems and it seems they're not over yet. As a child I was diagnosed with Reflux, a disorder affecting the bladder and kidneys, where the ureters (tubes that transport urine from the kidneys to the bladder) were not functioning properly. These tubes were not closing off entirely and the urine was returning back into the kidneys and causing significant damage. I still have both kidneys, but in actuality, with 25% function of the left and 75% function of the right kidney, it is as if I only have one.

Because of this reflux I've had several doctors tell me I most likely will not be able to have children. That if I do get pregnant I will be extremely high risk because the kidney may not be strong enough to sustain myself and my baby. Most children might not understand what this means for their future or even care, I was devastated!

Reflux produced a hormone which causes high blood pressure, this hypertension went undetected until I had my tonsils out between 5th and 6th grades. Even then the doctor thought it would eventually come down and told my mother it was normal for the blood pressure to be elevated during surgery. It wasn't until my dad, studying to be an EMT, kept getting readings which were off the charts for an 11 year old, finally took me to see his instructors. They got the same readings and it was time for me to go to the doctor.

Doctors have tried for years to diagnose me with poly-cystic ovary syndrome to explain my irregular menses, but after countless ultrasounds were unsuccessful. This year I was finally diagnosed. With symptoms like, weight gain/trouble losing weight, irregular menses, fertility problems, multiple miscarriages and depression I actually felt glad to be diagnosed. At least it was an explanation for some of the problems I've been having.

A blood test also showed that my thyroid is under-active, hypothyroid. This condition carries similar symptoms to P.C.O.S, depression, weight gain/trouble losing weight, irregular menses, feeling tired or weak and memory problems.

The medical odds are stacked against me. I have not one, but several physical problems that make fertility difficult. Still, I'm sure you're right, it's because I don't pray or read my scriptures enough.

Equality, the new double standard.

Exhibit 1) A man called the police department to complain that a police officer was "flying up and down the road." He said that if it was Officer A. he would not make a complaint, but if it was either Officers B. or C. he would sign a complaint. All three of the officers named were female. And he only wanted to make a complaint if it was a female.

Nothing says "I demand equality!" like calling to complain that it's not fair for officers to speed when they pull other people over for speeding, while only being willing to complain on certain officers.

Exhibit 2) Similarly, we have people call in reckless drivers frequently. And increasingly the first thing they say when I ask what is wreckless about his driving is, "He's driving so fast, I'm going 100 and I can't keep up with him!" So it's okay for you to drive 25 miles over the speed limit if you're trying to catch him? Do we let you off because you are a do-gooder? No, we don't. After I tell them to slow down so I don't have two idiots on the road, typically I ask what color and type of vehicle they are driving. I figure if we can't catch the first idiot, we can certainly catch the second!

It might not be exactly the same, but it reminds me of a joke. A child slaps his brother and his dad walks over to him and, as he slaps him across the face, says "Hey, we don't hit in this family!"

God Knows Best

For McKenna

As much as I hate to know you're hurting, it's been wonderful to know that I am not alone. I was given this poem tonight and I hope it helps a little.

"God Knows Best"

Our Father knows what's best for us,

so why should we complain?

We always want the sunshine,

but He knows there must be rain.

We love the sound of laughter

and the merriment of cheer;

but our hearts would lose their tenderness

if we never shed a tear.

Our Father tests us often

with suffering and with sorrow;

He tests us, not to punish us,

but to help us meet tomorrow.

For growing trees are strengthened

when they withstand the storm;

and the sharp cut of the chisel

gives the marble grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly,

and He never wastes our pain;

for every loss He sends to us

is followed by rich gain.

And when we count the blessings

that God has so freely sent;

We will find no cause for murmuring

and no time to lament.

For our Father loves His children,

and to Him all things are plain;

so He never sends us pleasure

when the soul's deep need is pain.

So whenever we are troubled,

and when everything goes wrong,

it is just God working in us

to make our spirits strong.

-Helen Steiner Rice-

I'm always here for you, if you need to talk or cry or laugh or scream or throw rocks. Even if you just need to feel like someone knows a little of what you're going through. Call me.

Thank Heavenly for a sense of humor!

I told you there would be more baby drama to follow...

I had two ultrasounds a couple of weeks ago, I guess trying to get a better look at why my body is retarded. A nurse finally called to tell me the results, they were supposed to get results the next day or Monday.... 2 weeks is close though, right?

P.C.O.S., for anyone who doesn't know what that is, it stands for Poly-cystic-ovary-syndrome. It basically means I have cysts on my ovaries and my hormones are all out of whack! (Heavenly can attest to the out of whack hormones, I don't know how he puts up with me crying all the time!) Other symptoms for this include, but are not limited to: depression, multiple miscarriages, difficulty getting pregnant; ie infertility, weight gain, difficulty losing weight, obesity on the upper half, abnormal hair growth, and male pattern baldness.

I met Heavenly at the door with my news. I told him about all of the symptoms and of course cried because I'm just frustrated with one more thing preventing me from having what I want. (And because I cry no matter what emotion I may be experiencing at the time!) I started to rattle off symptoms to him in no particular order. "Weight gain, difficulty losing weight, obesity in the upper body, namely the stomach, male pattern baldness, increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach and back..."

He interrupted me and said, "Hey, I think I have that!"

After a comment like that I could no longer cry, I laughed so hard! And every time I think of it I smile. So, thank Heavenly for having a sense of humor and making me laugh at a time when I dearly needed it!

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

Dang it, thou didst yet another stupid thing that I must add to my list. Thou hast caused me to lose track. Alas I will have to begin my counting again! In doing so thou hast given me yet another reason to add to my ever growing list. Oh how you vex me so!!

Read the sign stupid!

Tonight on the way to work I passed a large recycling bin. There was a man in military fatigues standing next to it breaking cardboard boxes to fit into the small slots. The bold white lettering on the front and side of the bin read "NEWSPAPER ONLY."

Hmm, maybe that's why they don't have holes big enough for cardboard, ya think?

Just when I thought I'd heard it all

Dispatcher: "911 what's the address of your emergency?"

Caller: "Oh this isn't an emergency, I've been calling the police department but no one answered."

Dispatcher: "What's the problem?"

Caller: "Oh there's no problem, I just wanted to let the officers know they can get a free Grand Slam if they come into Denny's tomorrow between 6AM and 2PM."

Seriously, I thought I'd heard every stupid reason for calling 911, but it seems as though stupid people never cease to be stupid!

I can't wait, on my last day when they call 911 for a non-emergency, or say they "just couldn't find the non-emergency number." On that day my reply won't be the patient "How can I help you?" or "No problem, here's that number." Instead they'll be shocked to hear "You know there's an incredible invention they came up with a few years ago, Google, maybe you've heard of it." Or perhaps "Have you ever heard of a phone book?" "So, what part of being unable to find the non-emergency number made THAT an emergency?"

Whew, I can't wait for that day!

Happy Groundhog Day

Six more weeks of winter just because he saw his shadow.

That Punxutawney Phil is a real bastard!

Baby Update! Drama not Mama!

I had my doctor's appointment a couple of weeks ago. The doctor heard my heart beat and told me I'm healthy. Hearing her tell me the reason I've been bleeding for months made what I already knew all too real. It's difficult to think what once was growing inside of me is no more.

I'm not starting to show, I never have and try my best not to think "I never will." I still have stretch marks, but they were there before and they'll probably be around forever, so I might as well make friends with them. When people ask if I'm pregnant I tell them "No, I'm just fat."

I love that other people's bodies work exactly how God intended, but I think he gave me a reject. Either God has a "No return" policy or my parents must have lost the receipt because they say I can't take this one back and get a refund. I'd even settle for an upgrade on the old one! Come on, can't I catch a break?

So I guess what I'm saying is the update is, there is no update!

I did in fact go to the doctor and found out for certain that I miscarried in November. I have a theory and my doctor tends to agree, that I probably lost the pregnancy around the first week of November after a raging kidney infection and subsequent 104 degree fever that lasted 4 days. Perhaps you find it flippant how I mention this off the cuff, as if this experience weren't traumatic at all. I've done my fair share of being angry and crying and a once ragged hole has now been over-filled with numbness. Thank goodness for mood stabilizing drugs! When I told Heavenly the news, or the confirmed news, he responded optimistically and in his true fashion "Don't take this the wrong way, but at least we know we're doing something right!"

My doctor and I wasted no time deciding what needed to be done. After a quick check to be sure I wasn't by some freaky coincidence still in fact pregnant, we got down to the business of talking options. We had batted around the idea of starting a regimen of Clomid to help in the baby-making process, and I felt like it was finally time to hop on that train. I went home with orders for blood tests, an ultrasound and several new prescriptions. I walked out of the office feeling like my head was spinning from all of the information and instructions I was given.

Who knew how hard it was to get pregnant? I hope those who are blessed with getting pregnant easily will acknowledge how lucky they are and quit tossing around the word "infertility" so lightly.

Still more drama to follow...