Shift work

Did you know that shift work has been proven in clinical studies to cause short term memory loss?

I don't have to read a scientific study to know that it's true. My whole life is a scientific study of the effects of shift work. I frequently forget what I mean to say, I struggle to find the appropriate word, I walk in the other room only to realize when I get there that I have absolutely no idea why I went there in the first place. So I go back to where I was hoping it will jog my memory and when it does I still can't retain what I meant to do from that room to the next. I find myself planning what I need to say on the radio at work so I don't forget anything, then pausing mid-sentence to remember what I planned to say. It's like I'm turning into my mom already in my mid twenties.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and there are many things about her I would love to inherit, but her memory is not one of them!

Aside from the annoying forgetfulness there are physiological side effects of shift work. Because I work all night I also eat late at night and I find myself suffering from heartburn on a regular basis. I sleep during the day so I rarely get the appropriate amount of sunshine which means I'm pale white for the first time in my life. More importantly the lack of sunshine means a lack in vitamin k, or whatever that happy sunshine vitamin is, so I am often gloomy and depressed. I am more susceptible to sickness because I work long hours and sleep very few. My husband and I work opposite dcedyles, so when I get a day off I try to stay awake and spend time with him. My body is too used to being awake at night, so I stay up all night and sleep all day. Basically I'm always tired.

The short term memory loss can come in handy though. Not that I like to use it as an excuse. But if I happen to have a particularly difficult day at work or an upsetting call, I usually don't remember it for long.

The life of a tumbleweed

The wind was rushing all around me, tumbleweeds of every shape and every size blew haphazardly through the fields and across the road as I drove. With every passing bush I thought about the significance of the weed and why it tumbles. The piece that we see is actually the above ground part of a plant, when it matures it breaks away from its roots and tumbles through the desert dispersing seeds. I didn't realize there was an actual purpose for tumbleweeds, I thought they were like nature's garbage littered throughout the desert landscaping.

But the tumbleweed also made me think about roots and how important it is to be firmly rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ. The gospel is a multi-faceted thing, having many principles and doctrines, the church is even more vast in its diversities. Often times we mistake multi-faceted for complex, the gospel may have many pieces together but it is actually quite simple. It is the gospel of Jesus Christ. And so, it is upon Christ, that we must build our foundation and in Christ whom we should trust.

Whenever I move to a new ward or feel insecure in my own ward, I remember that the gospel is true no matter where I worship. An older gentleman in my home ward once told me, "I don't go to church because I'm perfect, I go because I'm not." While the church and the people in it are imperfect, He is and always will be constant, unwavering, perfect.

Programs may change, meeting times may get earlier or later, teachers, bishoprics, stake presidencies and yes, even the president of the church may pass away and be replaced by another. The Savior nor his gospel will change, merely the face of His representation here on Earth.

Be ye not as the tumbleweed, blowing about hither and thither; Plant your gospel roots in He who is the one sure thing. He spoke to His children in ancient times because He loved them, He speaks to us now for the same reason. "He is the same yesterday, today, forever."

A monkey cake for two cute monkeys!

It's raining it's pouring...

...the old man is snoring.

I'm having a hard time getting to sleep tonight. I had a terrible migraine earlier and slept for several hours while Heavenly watched Twilight. Part of the problem could be that I am genuinely not tired because of this. However, he's not an old man, but Heavenly is snoring really loudly tonight. Loud enough that when he was turned toward me I actually worried my headache might return.

My dad always snored really loudly and I hated it! I never understood how my mom could stand it. Anytime I had to share a room with them I would lay awake for hours. I tried counting sheep, but I think they were too afraid to come out because of the noise. How do you sleep when there are no sheep to count? I swore I never wanted to marry anyone who snored. My mom was right, you get used to it. (or you try to get to sleep before they start sawing logs!)

Snoring or not, I wouldn't trade Heavenly for anything. But seriously, how much can I nudge him and make him switch positions before it's considered mean?

One man's trash is another man's treasure!

Heavenly and I went to DI to see if we could find a treasure. It's a Hugga Bunch doll!! His name is "Tickles." He doesn't have his original clothing, in fact as you can see he doesn't have any clothing, when I saw him though I just had to have him! I've been looking everywhere for The Hugga Bunch Movie on DVD, I'd even settle for VHS if I could find it! In fact that's what I am usually looking for when we go to DI, I search through the movie section to see if any child of the 80s has parted with their copy.

Heavenly has always wanted a bowling pin, I don't know why and I don't think he knows either, he just thinks it would be really cool. One time we actually saw one there, but unfortunately it was already in the cart of an old lady. (I don't think it would have looked very good for Heavenly to be seen wrestling with an elderly woman!) We didn't find a bowling pin, but I did find some cool stuff.

Who I am.

I am a child of God. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am gentle. I am beautiful. I am intelligent. I am funny. I am a protector. I am loud. I am happy. I am stubborn. I am loyal. I am a woman.

There are several more attributes which could be added to this list. I am many things.

Heavenly and I have been trying to conceive. Because we have been trying consistently for more than a year without becoming pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy, the medical world calls me infertile. Infertility is a condition I struggle with, it is not who I am and I refuse to be defined by it!

My blog is broken

In case you haven't noticed my blog is broken. I did it, I admit it. I deleted something in the HTML, at least I think that's when it happened. Problem with deleting HTML is that I have no idea what it said or meant in the first place and no way of undoing whatever it is that I've done. So, if there is anyone out there who speaks computer or who is just better at blogger than I am...PLEASE HELP me get my sidebar back on the side where it belongs.

ATTENTION PARENTS!!

If you think your children are safe from drug dealers, you need to think again. I have included some pictures taken from a local news website of examples of Ecstasy tablets. Clearly the cartoon characters, super hero logos and bright colors are not aimed at enticing adults. If a drug dealer approached your 5 year old on the play ground, they would probably not accept a cigarette or a joint. But which child wouldn't grab a handful of bright green Ninja Turtles, Transformers or yellow Bart Simpsons? Don't do yourself or your children the disservice of assuming these drugs were found in another state far away; they weren't recovered in California or New York. These pictures were found in Utah, right here in our back yard.

Take a moment, look at the pictures, see how similar they appear to popular children's vitamins like Flintstones. Talk to your children. Re-educate yourself and your children on what drugs look like and about the importance of saying "NO!" anytime you are approached by a stranger.

The following pictures including the story can be located at the following link:

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=5830858

I'm through with "...happily ever after."

All of the greatest fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." and end with "...happily ever after." How would you feel if I told you all of those fantasies are wrong?

I admit I've gone through most of my life with a "happily ever after" mentality. When I was little I wanted to be bigger. When I was 15 I wanted to be 16 so I could have my driver's license and drive the Volkswagen Bug my dad got for my first car. I would go to his work and drive for hours in circles around the buildings and through the parking lots, just waiting for the day I could finally take it out on the road.

When I turned 16, that wasn't good enough and I looked forward to 18. When I turned 18 I could vote and I could move out of my parent's house and I could go to college. Once I got to college and found out that working and going to school full-time and being out on my own was sort of a drag, I wished I was back at home where I could still be a kid. When I moved back, I couldn't wait to be on my own again.

All of us live our lives with similar patterns. Rarely are we content with what we have, always wanting something different, something we foresee as being better. "If only the kids were older, we could travel the country." "Once I retire I can spend all my time golfing." "If only my husband were finished with school." "If only we made more money." "If only..."

While I was in the dating scene wasting my time with guys who weren't nearly good enough for me. I kissed a lot of toads because I had some ridiculous idea that one of them could actually turn into a frog. Still, I kept hoping that my knight in shining armor would ride up on his white horse and carry me off into the sunset. Because that's what we teach ourselves when we read these fantasies, right?

I didn't picture my knight driving up in a faded gray Pontiac Le Mans; where was this white horse I'd heard so much about? But nevertheless he was the prince I had been waiting for all my life. How sad it would have been if I'd been like the other girls in his life who let him slip away because they were too busy looking for someone or something better? I'm glad they were wicked step-sisters instead of princesses.

Our life isn't always a fairytale, it's far from perfect. We do our fair share of wishing away. I work an hour away, so I spend half of my time somewhere else. He works and goes to school full time and our schedules are completely opposite. Even as I'm typing this, he's in the other room fast asleep because he works mornings and I'm currently working graveyards.

Heavenly likes to tell me that it is only for a little while, once he's done with college it will be better, once he is working for an agency we'll have more time together. But we both know it's not true because we both know that's not true. I keep thinking we'll be happier when we finally get pregnant and finally have a baby. But I know we'll never get back the relationship we have right now.

And so I've decided that I'm over "happily ever after," I'm finished looking toward the future for the happiness that surrounds me each and every day. If you're not happy now, you'll have no happily ever after! And so I'm enjoying that when we're home it's just the two of us. And I'm enjoying that we can go on a date without calling a babysitter. When I've been at work and I finally come home after 3 days or 4, I don't waste my time complaining about the time that we're apart. I make the most of the time that we're together. I'm choosing happiness now and laughing at happily ever after.

"You pile up enough tomorrows, and you'll find you've collected a lot of empty yesterdays." -The Music Man

Decide today. Choose happiness now, stop wasting your time on "...happily ever after."

What dreams may come

Saturday I took the last of five pills in my first round of Clomid. The adverse side effects I experienced I attributed to the period from Hell, not necessarily from the medication itself. Out of control emotions have become a constant companion in our household. I worried my "it can't get much worse than it already is" attitude could easily have been too optimistic. Instead I felt more normal than I have in months.

When you're faced with infertility, becoming pregnant consumes your thoughts. The idea is entertained in my mind so often that it has become a frequent subject of my dreams. Last night I dreamed I gave birth to twins, two beautiful healthy little boys. I woke up in a sweat realizing that Clomid makes the likelihood of multiple births all too possible and I only have one name picked out for a boy. Ideally if I give birth to twins I would love to get one of each and have our family be complete. But we don't live in an ideal world, if we did I wouldn't need fertility drugs and so many of my dear friends would be lamenting over full diapers, not empty arms.

So even though it's much too early, I'm trying to come up with a name for a second boy. Perhaps it will set my set my mind at ease, if only in my dreams.