Wordless Wednesday

Missing another me

For some reason an apartment popped into my head. It's across the street from the Cathedral of the Madeline in SL, and it had no corners. Seriously, all the would-be corners where walls and ceilings met were completely rounded. It was a little creepy at night and quirky and beautiful in its own way. It belonged to my friend Annie. Whatever made me think of those rounded corners made me think of Annie and made me miss her fiercely.

I don't regret being married to Heavenly, I'll never regret that, how could I? I sometimes miss being single just because I miss my single friends. What I want is to have both worlds, to have my adorable, hard working, spoils me rotten husband and everything that he brings to my life.... and have it somehow fit nicely with my fun-loving, go anywhere, do anything, sometimes wild and crazy single friends.

I'm afraid I've been a bad friend to Annie and maybe that's why I miss her so badly. She used to call when she was in town, but I guess after so many excuses of why I couldn't spend time with her she decided to stop calling. So I miss the freedom that goes along with the single life, where I don't have to coordinate my schedule with anyone else's and I don't have to consider anyone else when I decide how I'll spend my time. I miss the freedom that I would never trade for the security and different freedom I have now.

I wish those two versons of me could co-exist. I wish I could find out how to be married and spend every waking moment with my husband because even that is never enough; and still have time for my friends and playing like I used to do.

The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!

Today Heavenly and I found a variety of Jelly Belly jelly beans on a trip to Target. They always have such interesting flavors and every time I eat them I'm amazed at how close they taste to the real thing. Jelly beans were never my favorite candy, they were all texture and little individual taste. Starburst and Jolly Rancher put their delicious candy flavors into a little tiny jelly bean and Easter has never been boring since! Then Jelly Belly came along and brought flavors like buttered popcorn and pink champagne to excite my curiosity and tickle my taste buds. Flavors like watermelon that appeal to my eyes as much as they do to my mouth with its green outside and red center; they simply must be bitten in half to see the red center before you eat it all.

You can now choose from a variety of soda pop flavored jelly beans, they have them individually or in a mix: 7-up, Cream Soda, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, Orange and Grape Crush and my personal favorite Dr. Pepper. Heavenly and I were excited to see that Jelly Belly has now taken on Coldstone Creamery flavors, mint chocolate and birthday cake remix. I had to try the birthday cake remix, so we got a bag and started adding flavors.

We came home with birthday cake remix, buttered popcorn, watermelon, sour watermelon (so good!) and juicy pear.

Coldstone creamery is another one of those flavor wonders. My favorite cake batter ice cream really tastes like a cold scoop of yellow cake mix. You get all the wonderful taste of eating yellow cake batter without the risk of getting salmonella poisoning. (I think my mom used that one to scare me so I wouldn't eat all the batter and cookie dough when she was baking.) Now they've got chocolate cake batter ice cream and I'm trying to decide what mix-ins I'll try with that. I was thinking of a "better than sex cake" type ice cream with heath bar, caramel and whipped cream.

These creative geniuses have figured out not only how to harness the possibilities of good flavors, but seem to have mastered the art of the odd and the truly disgusting. Harry Potter made popular Bertie Bott's every flavor beans. Knowing how closely the dirt and grass flavored jelly beans resemble the real thing I refuse to taste the more disgusting flavors like ear wax, sardine or vomit. Some fruity jelly beans contain fruit juices, what kind of juices do vomit jelly beans contain? Eww!

How about people with pica? If you don't know what it is, it's a condition when people crave inedible things because their body is lacking some nutrient or another. People crave things like dirt and chalk. If I'm craving dirt (of course I know I need iron and may be anemic) do you think I can eat dirt flavored jelly beans and satisfy my craving?

Along with such great flavors made by Jelly Belly, one of my favorite things they've come up with is a compilation of different combinations to create "recipes" for more flavor possibilities. My sister liked to dipped popcorn in her ice cream when we were growing up, perhaps I'll try the birthday cake remix and buttered popcorn together and see if it brings back memories.

It's like chocolate cake for my ears!

Speechless

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My favorite substitutes!

My sister's little boy Coco was born in December before Heavenly and I started dating. At the time I was driving to Provo twice a week to workout with a personal trainer. I spent hours holding Coco. While I was dating Heavenly, coming to visit my sister's kiddos (and still working out) was the perfect reason to be "in the neighborhood." For most of Coco's little life I sat for hours holding him and rocking him while he slept.

As you can see, once I married Heavenly, not much changed.



I will always be grateful for such a wonderful husband who understands how therapeutic that peaceful pass time is for me. No matter how many afternoons I've spent rocking him to sleep when there were so many other things I "should" be doing, he never complained. Time holding a precious baby, no matter how long, is never wasted.


And I will of course be eternally grateful for such an unselfish sister who gave up her time with that precious little one because she could see in my eyes how I needed it. She has always graciously allowed me to claim them, because she knows in a very real sense they are mine. She never gets upset at me when I mother them just a little too much. And even though I know her heart breaks when Coco sometimes chooses me over her, I hope it eases her pain to know how much he is loved.


Thank you for letting me write about your family since I don't have one of my own, and letting me be a mother in the only way (so far) I can.

I'm not giving up... just waiting.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor, it's my first follow-up after one failed round of Clomid. See, my body is so messed up that not even medication can make it to what it's supposed to do!

I know she'll want to do blood work to find out if my thyroid is cooperating and responding to the medication I've been taking. She also mentioned that a blood test would be able to show if my body did in fact ovulate while on Clomid. (I don't think it did, at least not properly.)

All of these tests will be conducted to see what the next step in our roller coaster journey through infertility will be. However, I think I've decided on my own step. It's something we discussed before, waiting.

I'm not giving up like so many tell me, (a couple of months ago I would have agreed with them) I'm merely taking appropriate measures to take care of myself. My wonderful sister who is always infinitely more wise than I has told me many times "Taking care of yourself is not selfish." And for once I'm taking her advice. Instead of more regimens of Clomid at higher doses or alternate methods of forcing my uncooperative body into baby-making submission, I am going to take steps to take care of me.

Along with my under active thyroid wreaking havoc, I also have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome which doesn't play nice with fertility. We tried a month of birth control before the first round of Clomid, but it was obviously not enough to "de-cystify my ovaries" as Jamie says. So I'm going to look into Glucophage or Metformin, a pre-diabetes medication which decreases the level of androgens (stuff that produces boy hormones so it makes your body forget it's a girl) produced by the ovaries and adrenal glands. It also helps my body use insulin and may prevent the risk of diabetes. I'm going to take better care of my body by working out and eating healthy.

I fully anticipate all of the same rude questions/comments I already get, "Why don't you have kids?" "Don't you like kids?" "What are you waiting for?" "You won't understand because you don't have kids." "That's not the same as having your own." Blah blah blah!

Whoa, that's a really big cupcake!!

When I saw this giant cupcake on the front of the Family Circle magazine I fell in love! I had to have it! My hopes were dashed when I found it and saw the price tag for the cake pan. But my husband is wonderful and decided to buy it for me last week. I made my first giant cupcake cake for my sister's birthday Sunday. Actually, I was camping so my mom (who is the coolest) made the cake and brought it to me to decorate. I was pressed for time, but I think it turned out pretty cute. I'm excited to make more and get more creative with the decorating.

Something I like to do...

I picked up this copy of Family Circle Magazine because of the adorable pupcakes on the front. At the time my nephew called cupcakes pupcakes and he's always been obsessed with dogs so I thought it would be perfect.

It was October 2008 before my mom and I were brave enough to try these cute little pupcakes for ourselves. She came home on conference Saturday and we cleaned my kitchen and then went shopping for the necessities. They weren't nearly as difficult as we thought they would be, just time consuming and detailed. We had a ton of fun doing it.

Below are the pictures of our results. I think they're pretty darn cute!

Anti-biotics are the nectar of the gods!

I have another sinus infection, sometimes I feel like my life has been one prolonged sinus infection for the last 2 years! This time I thought it was something more, something different. Last Monday I woke up for work, fevered, nauseated and searching for anything wet to cool the fire in my throat. I thought I could make it trough work and then hoped upon hope I could just make it there without defiling the inside of my car! I made it 9 hours the first day and 12 hours the next day. I rested my fiery cheek against my cool desk and kept my trash can handy, just in case.

My mom luckily came by with Ibuprofen, what a blessing it is to work at the same place she does! Once my fever broke I felt better. Better, but not good. Relief was only temporary until the heat wave returned and I felt like death warmed over. I was grateful for a sergeant who let me go home early even though I'd made it most of the day and could have sweat out the last few hours. When I passed out on my mom's couch I realized I was better off there.

Well, that was over a week ago.... I'm still sick!! Each morning I've gotten up with a fiery crackly throat and wished I could go back to sleep. I've stayed up tossing and turning because I'm uncomfortable and aching.

I stayed at my mom's house last night planning to go to work today. But today I decided enough is enough, I'm so tired and even more done with being sick! So I stayed home from work and decided the doctor really does know best. Hopefully I'll feel better after a few days of anti-biotics. Wish me luck.

Thank you Betty Crocker!

One of my co-workers introduced me to a delicious website at work the other day.  It's filled with adorable sweet treat ideas, and sinfully delicious recipes.  Thanks to Bakerella and Betty Crocker, I'm going to try Cookie Dough Brownies for dessert tonight.  

You can click here or to the link on my sidebar and find more delicious recipes that should be illegal.  

I think next I'll try the cute cupcake bites or cake pops.  Everything looks so delicious!  (Have I said delicious enough for one post?)  Happy baking!

No jacket weather

Today I donned my hoody before leaving my house, not realizing it was 63 degrees outside!

Welcome Spring. I've missed you!

I'm sick, I'm not pregnant!

I guess because I'm trying to get pregnant I can't get sick without at least one person asking if I'm pregnant. No, I'm not pregnant, and thank you very much for reminding me of that!

It's not bad enough that I have a fever, my ears hurt, my throat hurts, my nose is plugged, I'm nauseated, I think I'd feel better if I just went into the bathroom and upchucked the entire contents of my stomach. To add insult to injury you have to remind me of the fact that I'm sick and don't even have the luxury of getting a baby out of it!

Can I please just be me? When you see me, can you ask me how I'm doing without any hidden meaning? Because you think for some reason that I can't be separated from my infertility? When you ask how things are going... is there any way you can just mean between Heavenly and I, or work or school or whatever?

There are people who get it. To them I'm just me. To them I'm fine and I'm normal and I'm perfectly acceptable exactly as I am. If I never have a child they'll love me exactly as they would if I popped out ten. However, to others, I'm not good enough. I am infertile. I am a miscarriage from 6 months ago that they can't let go. I'm a single pink line on a pregnancy test; I am broken.

Thank you to those who get it. To those who got it 6 months ago when they didn't even know it had started, who got it 3 months ago when they found out (however they found out) and thank you to those who get it still. I love you and would never be able to be normal me without you.

You know who you are.

It's just one of those days

There's nothing really wrong, at least nothing new. I'm just feeling very blah and very "don't mess with me!"

Wind, semi-trucks and deputies don't mix...

While I was working during a nasty storm a semi truck was blown over onto a deputy's car; he he was still inside. He had only minor lacerations below the knees on both legs. As you can see he was very lucky, there was minimal damage. The "minimal" damage is going to cost at least $9,000 so far to fix, but it could have been much worse.

Thanks to Clomid, Miracles Happen!!

Not one but 3 little miracles!!

Meet the newest additions to the Shumway family,

their names are Yakko, Wakko and Dot.

Although to be fair, they all look like Dots.

Preliminary due date should be sometime January 2010.

April Fools!